That’s me. The Mafiya wiseguy
being slowly cooked alive in the
industrial-sized microwave on Stage 5.
The prize jamook with the rose tattooed on his chest.
I’ve been working hard on my dentalization.
Placing the consonants at the back of the front teeth.
Keeping the tongue thick and forward.
Making the L-sounds dark and heavy.
Giving the H-sounds plenty of air.
If in doubt, pout. If in doubt,
push the lips forward and think
good strong Russkaya thoughts.
Think Gorky Park. Think Vladivostok.
Think Astrakhan Oblast.
Think Sputnik 2 and Vostok 1.
Think Chechnya, Bolshevik and Stolichnaya.
I must’ve missed that day at actor’s school
when we worked on how best to simulate
having your internal organs
dielectrically superheated from the inside
by a constant stream of non-ionizing radiation.
But this much I know for certain; they forgot
to prick my skin before tossing me in here.
Think Glavnoe Upravlenie Ispravitelno-trudovykh LAGerej.
Think Komityet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosty.
Think Constantin Sergeyevich Stanislavski.
An average human body is between 60 and 70% water.
That’s well over half a person’s total bodyweight.
My black polyester suit is clearly Dry-Clean only.
It’s gonna be one helluva problem getting all the viscera out.
Official 'Kick-Ass' Website
'Kick-Ass' is a real-life superhero
Friday, October 24, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
BTW Nicola, your blog gives great head.
At about 4:30 this aft, I stepped out of my steady's, where I now am, with the intention to use the internet for scholastic purposes while no one is around. I was standing at the corner of Saint Laurent and Mount Royal, looking like a confused prostitute (my look was just SO all over the place, but it happens when it rains and you take what you need for shelter; skirts for biking made from Dollarama bags, etc, etc.) and it was funny because I was actually looking for a mailbox, trying to see in the distance which way I should walk because I can't walk four ways at once, can you?? It was/is raining and then a mid-late 20s male voice yelled "What are you looking for?!!!" and I thought it was a random dude in that split second before I saw that it wasn't a random dude; it was this guy who deals the pot to everyone and their 
grandma.
Anyway, he walked me to a mailbox and in retrospect, to a blind person, it might have been comparable to that scene in Great Expectations (the critical bomb version that I really love), when Ethan Hawke is yelling in the rain, "Everything I do! I do for YOU!" at Gwyneth's Paltrow's unfeeling supersexy biatch, and he might as well have been yelling, "What do you WANT?!" which is basically the same as "What are you looking for?!" and then they kissed in the rain, GOD I LOVE THAT SHIT.
And then I went to Pharmaprix to get Devin's neighbour Karen a Dr. Pepper because she is feeling ill and needs her Dr. Pepper and cannot go out and get it because she is feeling ill, GAWD!
Karen is kind of like Carmen Electra when Carmen Electra used to drink 8 Cokes a day before Dave Navarro showed her the new way...
Except that it's Dr. Pepper and it's more like 10 cans (maybe) and plus, Karen is DE NEW YORK, like Vitamin Water, except that she's really cool and not full of as much bullish as Vitamin Water (s0rry Danielle, it's true.) And I really can't imagine her tongue tango-ing with Dennis Rodman...except that I can in my imagination, and it's actually pretty funny.
Anyway, the big news is that at Pharmaprix, I conned myself into buying these Organic Energy Fruit Chews because they were 99 cents and normally probably like 10 dollars and they were actually pretty good, but the BIG NEWS is that in front of me at Pharmaprix was....KIM RUSK!!!
If you know who Kim Rusk is, please comment below and say so, and if it means registering to comment with an e-mail address and making a password and reading some wiggly letters, so be it. Do it, because seriously, youknow who Kim Rusk is??
The cashier VA-LAY-RIE was like (in French) "Oh hey, you're the best, I love you, you're so pretty, you're so pretty in person, can you sign the back of your receipt you don't want??" and Kim did and so obviously I asked Val who this lady was and she told me "Love Story" and eventually I understood that it is a Quebecois reality show and I was asking "Is it like, a dating show??" and yeah, the guy in front of me was buying about 40 tetrapaks of RICE DREAM and he was English but probably cooler than me because he's a Montreal native maybe, and he was saying that there is this whole Quebecois celeb culture that you'd have no idea about if you weren't all up in it. As I was saying the other day to me homegirls who were all, "What do you mean, you've never SEEN Arrested Development??" As I was SAYING...."I only know TV up until Dawson's Creek, you guys."
I decided to look up Love Story in relation to Quebec and reality tv, and it took awhile and I kind of wished I had made an AliMcGrawlovemeansneverhavingtosayyou'resorry joke to the Rice Dreamer because then I might have saved myself 2 minutes on Google, by writing LOFT Story instead of LOVE Story.
To me, this woman looked like a lot of women that hang out on Crescent (I know because I work in the heart of it) and that means they are over-tanned with a lot of make-up and their hair looks stiff and like it made love to a curling iron for at least 48 minutes, and there might be an aura of du Maurier smoke hovering about and you start to worry about the setting on their lighter, because if it's accidentally set to FLY NINE INCHES HIGH then there goes the cheveux because it's coated in half a can of BIG SEXY HAIR volumizing hairspray.
I thought she looked about 30 but her bio says 1984. I wonder if she goes tanning at Cabana Sol around the corner... I wonder if they ask for her autograph there...
Anyways, Kim Rusk seemed really nice and I guess it would be sort of like Real World San Fran fever circa 1994 or Real World San Fran Fever circa it's just as exciting to follow a whole season in syndication more than a decade after it was super relevant to pharmacy employees.
I'm actually sort of really curious now, maybe I should start watching Loft Story somehow...maybe on the internet?? Maybe you can rent it at Videotron?? From what I understand, Kim is now the ANIMATRICE and the show is in it's 5th season and she won a lofty prize in the 3rd season and I think ANIMATRICE means she's become the host.
Val was SUPER-excited and kept saying how pretty Kim was to which the Rice Dreamer quipped "She sure is tanned!" and I didn't take it the wrong way or anything but he was saying that it's not surprising that as an English student from the other side of the border, I've never heard of Loft Story.
Personally, I think it's surprising that with a ponytail and hometown hippy vibe like his, Rice Dreamer should know that Rice Dream is like half the price it is at Pharmaprix at Seagal's, and I know it's not on sale this week at Pharmaprix because I LOVE MY PUBLISAC and swallow it religiously (on Sundays.)
Also, I was thinking today about how absolutely crazy it once was that Madonna decided to call herself Madonna and do lots of unCatholic style things...
This might be true of a lot of peeps, so did anyone else know I'mkeepingthebaby Madonna before they heard about all that other Madonna stuff from way back when??
Madonna and Child! SUP SUP SUP! NICE PURSE!
grandma.
Anyway, he walked me to a mailbox and in retrospect, to a blind person, it might have been comparable to that scene in Great Expectations (the critical bomb version that I really love), when Ethan Hawke is yelling in the rain, "Everything I do! I do for YOU!" at Gwyneth's Paltrow's unfeeling supersexy biatch, and he might as well have been yelling, "What do you WANT?!" which is basically the same as "What are you looking for?!" and then they kissed in the rain, GOD I LOVE THAT SHIT.
And then I went to Pharmaprix to get Devin's neighbour Karen a Dr. Pepper because she is feeling ill and needs her Dr. Pepper and cannot go out and get it because she is feeling ill, GAWD!
Karen is kind of like Carmen Electra when Carmen Electra used to drink 8 Cokes a day before Dave Navarro showed her the new way...
Except that it's Dr. Pepper and it's more like 10 cans (maybe) and plus, Karen is DE NEW YORK, like Vitamin Water, except that she's really cool and not full of as much bullish as Vitamin Water (s0rry Danielle, it's true.) And I really can't imagine her tongue tango-ing with Dennis Rodman...except that I can in my imagination, and it's actually pretty funny.
Anyway, the big news is that at Pharmaprix, I conned myself into buying these Organic Energy Fruit Chews because they were 99 cents and normally probably like 10 dollars and they were actually pretty good, but the BIG NEWS is that in front of me at Pharmaprix was....KIM RUSK!!!
If you know who Kim Rusk is, please comment below and say so, and if it means registering to comment with an e-mail address and making a password and reading some wiggly letters, so be it. Do it, because seriously, you
know who Kim Rusk is??The cashier VA-LAY-RIE was like (in French) "Oh hey, you're the best, I love you, you're so pretty, you're so pretty in person, can you sign the back of your receipt you don't want??" and Kim did and so obviously I asked Val who this lady was and she told me "Love Story" and eventually I understood that it is a Quebecois reality show and I was asking "Is it like, a dating show??" and yeah, the guy in front of me was buying about 40 tetrapaks of RICE DREAM and he was English but probably cooler than me because he's a Montreal native maybe, and he was saying that there is this whole Quebecois celeb culture that you'd have no idea about if you weren't all up in it. As I was saying the other day to me homegirls who were all, "What do you mean, you've never SEEN Arrested Development??" As I was SAYING...."I only know TV up until Dawson's Creek, you guys."
I decided to look up Love Story in relation to Quebec and reality tv, and it took awhile and I kind of wished I had made an AliMcGrawlovemeansneverhavingtosayyou'resorry joke to the Rice Dreamer because then I might have saved myself 2 minutes on Google, by writing LOFT Story instead of LOVE Story.
To me, this woman looked like a lot of women that hang out on Crescent (I know because I work in the heart of it) and that means they are over-tanned with a lot of make-up and their hair looks stiff and like it made love to a curling iron for at least 48 minutes, and there might be an aura of du Maurier smoke hovering about and you start to worry about the setting on their lighter, because if it's accidentally set to FLY NINE INCHES HIGH then there goes the cheveux because it's coated in half a can of BIG SEXY HAIR volumizing hairspray.
I thought she looked about 30 but her bio says 1984. I wonder if she goes tanning at Cabana Sol around the corner... I wonder if they ask for her autograph there...
Anyways, Kim Rusk seemed really nice and I guess it would be sort of like Real World San Fran fever circa 1994 or Real World San Fran Fever circa it's just as exciting to follow a whole season in syndication more than a decade after it was super relevant to pharmacy employees.
I'm actually sort of really curious now, maybe I should start watching Loft Story somehow...maybe on the internet?? Maybe you can rent it at Videotron?? From what I understand, Kim is now the ANIMATRICE and the show is in it's 5th season and she won a lofty prize in the 3rd season and I think ANIMATRICE means she's become the host.
Val was SUPER-excited and kept saying how pretty Kim was to which the Rice Dreamer quipped "She sure is tanned!" and I didn't take it the wrong way or anything but he was saying that it's not surprising that as an English student from the other side of the border, I've never heard of Loft Story.
Personally, I think it's surprising that with a ponytail and hometown hippy vibe like his, Rice Dreamer should know that Rice Dream is like half the price it is at Pharmaprix at Seagal's, and I know it's not on sale this week at Pharmaprix because I LOVE MY PUBLISAC and swallow it religiously (on Sundays.)
Also, I was thinking today about how absolutely crazy it once was that Madonna decided to call herself Madonna and do lots of unCatholic style things...
This might be true of a lot of peeps, so did anyone else know I'mkeepingthebaby Madonna before they heard about all that other Madonna stuff from way back when??
Madonna and Child! SUP SUP SUP! NICE PURSE!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
"BTW NICOLA, YOUR BLOG SUCKS RIGHT NOW."
OMG, THE INTERNET!
I never see this place anymore. Apparently, my miniature pretend computer is not compatible with the world at large. I mean it's really cute and everything, but it's kind of annoying when the idea was to be able to hang in cyberspace and do shit at school without waiting in line for a computer at the library. Something called LINUX should be something called WINDOWS. Ugh. So I've spent a lot of time at the CON-U library since the year 2004, right? I'm pretty sure the library computers give me scary flashbacks of essays gone by and I don't want to get square eyes again, right? Also, I feel that when I stare at a computer screen for too long (20 minutes +), I start to go blind. I guess I should just face the fact that I need glasses but instead, I avoid things that make me feel like I am going blind.
So this weekend I did nothing but study for an exam I just failed, and some other things too I guess, sort of. I went out for lunch with my dear friend Danielle and her dear friend/my future dear friend Mel at their favourite Indian restaurant, Bombay Mahal, on Jean Talon.
Oh, I almost forgot! A tongue in cheek picture for Evan, who thinks I wrote too muc
h last time.
I never see this place anymore. Apparently, my miniature pretend computer is not compatible with the world at large. I mean it's really cute and everything, but it's kind of annoying when the idea was to be able to hang in cyberspace and do shit at school without waiting in line for a computer at the library. Something called LINUX should be something called WINDOWS. Ugh. So I've spent a lot of time at the CON-U library since the year 2004, right? I'm pretty sure the library computers give me scary flashbacks of essays gone by and I don't want to get square eyes again, right? Also, I feel that when I stare at a computer screen for too long (20 minutes +), I start to go blind. I guess I should just face the fact that I need glasses but instead, I avoid things that make me feel like I am going blind.
So this weekend I did nothing but study for an exam I just failed, and some other things too I guess, sort of. I went out for lunch with my dear friend Danielle and her dear friend/my future dear friend Mel at their favourite Indian restaurant, Bombay Mahal, on Jean Talon.
Then I accidentally stole some sparkly hairbands from a dollar store.
But the purple one broke later so I didn't feel that bad because maybe they weren't worth a dollar anyway. Except that I did feel a bit bad because of my big head.
Then we went somewhere and ate a bunch of caramels. They smoked pot in the park in front of the biggest SAQ in the world and I ate more caramels than they did.
Then they were stoned and I wasn't but we all agreed that we could smell a skunk which was weird because it was the afternoon and skunks love the nightlife.
Then they were stoned and I wasn't but we all agreed that we could smell a skunk which was weird because it was the afternoon and skunks love the nightlife.
Danielle and I decided it would be okay and maybe sort of cool to get sprayed by a skunk, because they don't smell bad anyways. Mel didn't think so. But I bet she thinks that they are cute, especially when they travel in pairs (and are the best of friends.)
Wow. It did not even occur to me to remember that skunk equals marijuana sometimes. GAWD. I am such a MOM. Have I completely forgotten what it's like to be "at that age"??
I probably call it "grass" sometimes too and the kiddies roll their eyes.
Soanyway. Pre-Bombay Mahal, I accidentally/purpose bought a green leather jacket and a tan suede one with fringe for a grand total of 8 dollars at a garage sale I happened upon.
They are really cool and if I knew anything about the camera I bought myself 1.2 months ago, I would take pictures and show you because it's ALL ABOUT ME and my keen fashion sense, which set me apart from the other slayers...
Other than that, I studied all weekend for an exam I just fucked up, but I'm over it and by that I mean I'm crying at the library and I don't even care!
I'm not ACTUALLY. I'm on the 9th floor of the hall building. Over here, they don't judge.
The most life-changing event of the past weekend is how on Friday, I went to Blockbuster with the intention of renting The First Wives Club because I wanted to feel closer to my sister in faraway Halifax who totally loves that movie. I felt that I was going to have a "re-stocking fee" (??) and I get lonely in my apartment sometimes all alone and sometimes I wish that I had a series of movies that I like to have as background noise and company, where I can do other shit and feel I'm not alone without actually having a friend over to hang out, god forbid. Movies that I don't really have to pay attention to but I like the sound of...and I still hear enough of what is going on to look up for first kiss or the make-up sex or the middle of the night basketball game in Love and Basketball, the one that knocks out Tyra Banks.
Wow. It did not even occur to me to remember that skunk equals marijuana sometimes. GAWD. I am such a MOM. Have I completely forgotten what it's like to be "at that age"??
I probably call it "grass" sometimes too and the kiddies roll their eyes.
Soanyway. Pre-Bombay Mahal, I accidentally/purpose bought a green leather jacket and a tan suede one with fringe for a grand total of 8 dollars at a garage sale I happened upon.
They are really cool and if I knew anything about the camera I bought myself 1.2 months ago, I would take pictures and show you because it's ALL ABOUT ME and my keen fashion sense, which set me apart from the other slayers...
Other than that, I studied all weekend for an exam I just fucked up, but I'm over it and by that I mean I'm crying at the library and I don't even care!
I'm not ACTUALLY. I'm on the 9th floor of the hall building. Over here, they don't judge.
The most life-changing event of the past weekend is how on Friday, I went to Blockbuster with the intention of renting The First Wives Club because I wanted to feel closer to my sister in faraway Halifax who totally loves that movie. I felt that I was going to have a "re-stocking fee" (??) and I get lonely in my apartment sometimes all alone and sometimes I wish that I had a series of movies that I like to have as background noise and company, where I can do other shit and feel I'm not alone without actually having a friend over to hang out, god forbid. Movies that I don't really have to pay attention to but I like the sound of...and I still hear enough of what is going on to look up for first kiss or the make-up sex or the middle of the night basketball game in Love and Basketball, the one that knocks out Tyra Banks.
Okayyyyyy, Tyra Banks.
So I'm at Blockbuster browsing and I come across JUST FRIENDS for a penny or two over the cost of a rental. I have never seen this movie in its entirety and my sister gets really mad at me for falling asleep everytime she tries to make me watch what is apparently "THE FUNNIEST MOVIE EVER!"
Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm "one of those people that always falls asleep during movies." Did you hear the one about how I fell asleep during Oceans Eleven at the Rideau Centre? That's basically it.
So I decided to buy it so that when Hilary comes to visit me and is bored, she can watch and I can fall asleep.
Or when she and our childhood neighbour/oldest friend Emma Dickinson are going on and on about how Anna Farris is the shit, I can make a Just Friends reference and fit in for once because I love that movie too, you guys.
Or I can pretend that last time she tried to make me watch and I fell asleep, I was ACTUALLY awake but it just LOOKED like I was asleep, you know? Like, I'll make references to the ENDING and she'll be all "How do you know, you passed out! As USUAL..." and I'll be all "Well, see the thing IS..."
I also bought SAY ANYTHING, which I had never seen before. It's probably old news to everybody but John Cusack is sooooooooooo cute in that movie! I LOVE him! And I've never really felt that way about him before. He's endearing, sure, I mean I get why Laura chose him in the end of High Fidelity, but I also get why they all found him sort of annoying.
Basically, I've always enjoyed his presence in a I'm Joan Cusack and he's my annoying brother kind of way, but never really wanted to give a smooch like I did this time.
I felt he and I were more platonic. Like me and Nicolas Cage. I love the sound of Nicolas Cage's voice. I would really like it if on lonely night, I could be kept company by that movie where he and Bridget Fonda split the lottery and Rosie Perez whines, while I do other shit and look up for the really romantic parts.
Anyway, my life has changed because I felt really good inside when John Cusack played the song they first made love too in the rain, outside her window on the boombox. He must have really loved her because those things were pretty heavy!
It made me feel the dreamy aftermath of a hot fresh innocent Cinnabon date in grade 10 and that's a great way to feel.
Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm "one of those people that always falls asleep during movies." Did you hear the one about how I fell asleep during Oceans Eleven at the Rideau Centre? That's basically it.
So I decided to buy it so that when Hilary comes to visit me and is bored, she can watch and I can fall asleep.
Or when she and our childhood neighbour/oldest friend Emma Dickinson are going on and on about how Anna Farris is the shit, I can make a Just Friends reference and fit in for once because I love that movie too, you guys.
Or I can pretend that last time she tried to make me watch and I fell asleep, I was ACTUALLY awake but it just LOOKED like I was asleep, you know? Like, I'll make references to the ENDING and she'll be all "How do you know, you passed out! As USUAL..." and I'll be all "Well, see the thing IS..."
I also bought SAY ANYTHING, which I had never seen before. It's probably old news to everybody but John Cusack is sooooooooooo cute in that movie! I LOVE him! And I've never really felt that way about him before. He's endearing, sure, I mean I get why Laura chose him in the end of High Fidelity, but I also get why they all found him sort of annoying.
Basically, I've always enjoyed his presence in a I'm Joan Cusack and he's my annoying brother kind of way, but never really wanted to give a smooch like I did this time.
I felt he and I were more platonic. Like me and Nicolas Cage. I love the sound of Nicolas Cage's voice. I would really like it if on lonely night, I could be kept company by that movie where he and Bridget Fonda split the lottery and Rosie Perez whines, while I do other shit and look up for the really romantic parts.
Anyway, my life has changed because I felt really good inside when John Cusack played the song they first made love too in the rain, outside her window on the boombox. He must have really loved her because those things were pretty heavy!
It made me feel the dreamy aftermath of a hot fresh innocent Cinnabon date in grade 10 and that's a great way to feel.
Oh, I almost forgot! A tongue in cheek picture for Evan, who thinks I wrote too muc
h last time.
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