I've been doing my darndest to help out Santa Claus in any way I can, be it helping the illiterate write the big man letters, or just telling them he doesn't really mind if you just cut out pictures from the Canadian Tire catalogue and glue them on construction paper...because I ain't that good at spelling children's toys names good these days because none of the old rules apply. There are esses where there should be zeds and so on and so forth and what I don't own a Bratz alarm clock, who told you that, they're crazy, just forget it.
This may be entirely untrue, but I hold a firm belief that when one has the chance to say "WILLENIUM!", one cannot let it pass them by. One must jump up and scream to the heavens...WILLENIUM! It's no couscous but it's still pretty fun to say.
I did get one very special early-bird letter this morning with my PUBLISAC. A dear old friend of mine, Diora Baird. A big "POP the champagne and let's listen to Robbie William's Millenium" goes out to Diora Baird. She's helped me through many a long and lonely night. Frankly, I don't really care if she can't spell or if she has six toes or I don't know, say, a really long tongue even!
Needless to say, the early bird gets the worm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GlJSU6KecY
Even so, I wrote Diora Baird back to commend her on her writing skills and because the polite thing to do when someone writes you or calls you is hit them back and I was raised real polite. Diora Baird is usually the epitome of class and she hasn't fucked up yet but some may say it's only November 5th...the naysayers may SAY that there is ample time left to fuck up before Christmas. So this goes out to all the slimy fuckers cheating on their girlfriends with the lights off, thinking Santa can't see you. He sees you. He knows. You'll get yours. Take it from a man who knows how to treat a lady.
If you know what's good for you, if you ever want to dance on the ceiling again, you'll listen to my boy Lionel.
If there's any doubt in your mind...if you think you can get away with anything just because you like to fuck in a windowless soundproof studio...well think again.
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
AU-WEIDERSEIN MES P'TITS FLEURS-DE-LIS!
Well that's not QUITE it. I've been heavy into early 80s Brooke Shields lately. I've been watching her old Calvin Klein television commercials as they are pure perverted genius. They're incredible. They're unreal. You can't do that on television! Then again, yes you can.
I actually did this piece before I started watching these the other day. I did it for Christmas and then I remembered how funny the TV SPOTS were so I had to go and watch them again and again and to the left okay keep going again again almost leg up let's go HOORAY!
I've given up on successfully posting a video right on here but here are the links to my favourite commercial cockraisers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77ewV2l0fN8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YK2VZgJ4AoM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7RwyGtavqI
In conclusion, in addition to vintage Calvin Kleins, THIS is what I want for Christmas.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxb0pHQsHLQ
When I was young, I remember really wanting to see Return to the Blue Lagoon, as I found the previews absolutely mesmerizing. I was 6 when it came out and I saw Hook that year and Home Alone also but I still haven't seen Return to the Blue Lagoon. I guess I just don't want to ruin that image I have of Milla Jovavich as that sexy pothead who paints the statues in Dazed and Confused.
That's right, I've never seen The Fifth Element. It's played in my presence, sure, but I've always been too into my Supernibs to really give a care. And let's be honest, has ANYONE seen that Joan of Arc movie she did?? What was Luc Besson THINKING?? He probably wasn't. But he was definitely knocking boots with Milla Jovavich when he picked her for the lead. Come to think of it, all you who loved Milla in The Fifth Element have probably seen The Messenger too. How was it??
Back the to the basics. I have seen The Blue Lagoon with Brooke Shields, which came out the same year as the Calvin Klein ads, 1980. It's funny. I mean it, it's really really really funny.
So during my totally Brooke Shields infused weekend, I came across the following, which we should all accept and practice and preach.
This is true but then again, HEEEERE'S JOHNNY!
What's that? Hearing aid loose?? I SAID...HEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!
GUY! What don't you get?! Aiight aiight, I'mma sing it to you.
It's a little ditty by my main man Mister Purple...it has a lot of the same noises as Erotic City and Kiss but it doesn't make you feel nearly as sexy; it's somewhat uplifting in that sad When Doves Cry kind of way, you know, like "okay this blows, but that's life and I'm Prince so it can't be all that bad because my wardrobe totally kicks ass". Which is totally how I feel today. It goes a little something like this...
"Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, you look SMOKIN' when you're SMOKIN',
Vannessa Paradis done made my heartBROKEN!
She cut me all up like she Edward SCISSORhands!
Watch out boyzngirlz, smokin' give you yellow HANDS!"
TRUE! TRUE! TRUE!
No better way to procrastinate than telling you something you don't already know.
OKAY OKAY PEACE PEACE PEACE BYE 4 REAL!
P.S. My shoes cost more than you make in three WEEKS!
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