I’d guess that these girls were born in 1990 not that there’s anything wrong with that it’s just a guess chill out age ain’t nothin’ but a number RIP Aaliyah Rock the Boat was a really sexy song….
Besides, I’m not cooler than anyone who has been on Degrassi, be it the next generation or the one where Joey Jeremiah always wore a hat eventhough he had hair back then.
Then...
NOW!
Then...
Now??
Anyways, be yourself and maybe Pat Mastroianni could make some extra cash carrying around a tennis racket at parties, just saying, no biggie.
One of these Ryerson girls was bragging about how she’s on Degrassi sometimes and the boys were all “Oh, so you’re like a superstar?!” and she was all oblivious to the fact that they were fucking with her but whatever I don’t know much but I do know that she was on the episode where Spinner got expelled.
So the boys they were flirting with were maybe a year or two older, and as I said, I got the feeling they were humouring these girls with mock interest but would probably have nothing to do with them outside of that bus/Peel Pub unless a noquestionsaskedBJ was involved.
Except that these boys probably don’t get go to Peep Pub because they didn’t even have FACEBOOK which probably means they get plenty of head because not having facebook makes you mysterious/intriguing and girls love a man of mystery, right? I don’t know, ask Adam Beck.
[SIDENOTE: I love Lily Allen and don't mean no disrespect as she's had a rough time lately. The above picture accompanied a piece on Miss Allen's admission to spending too much time on the job in her youth...the BLOWjob.]
The point is…if Degrassi has taught us anything, it’s that noquestionsaskedBJs are a questionable afterschool extracurricular activity as they will definitely result in gonorrhea of the throat, right??
I don’t know, ask Adam Beck.
I DIDN’T MEAN THAT. Ask Miriam Macdonald who plays Emma on Degrassi Next Gen; Emma went a little BJcrazy a couple of seasons ago and I can’t wait for her to get bicurious, can YOU??
What's that? She’s already bicurious in syndication on weekdays at 1 pm on CTV??
I pretend to be with it but I’m really not that with it.
DETROIT LEWIS HAS A VISION!
Big ups to Geoff Logan for explaining how to do a LINK about 3.5 months ago and today I decided to actually figure out how to do it, big ups to me.
That don’t change the fact that there is some fishy mind-fucking going on all up in Toronto’s public transportation system.
THEY ON SOME BIG BROTHER SHIT.
Check it out!
These ads caught my eye because they’re really weird and mysterious and intriguing. Kind of like Adam Beck and all other cool boys who don’t have facebook and are therefore really cool and mysterious and intriguing.
No but for real. These called for some sleuthing and they don’t call me Detective Pickle Smack for nothing. I’m like Nancy Drew with less steady boy Ned Nickerson and more keen fashion sense except my dad’s not a widowed lawyer; he’s a garbageman and my mom is up and at’em and fronting one of the top law firms on Bay Street so eat it up and love means never having to say “Hey babyjane…I’m sorry I’m a garbageman and you’re my moneyjane.”
If you’ve been with it for awhile you’ll know that what I just said about my mom is total bollocks because my mom looks at fun parts for a living and I’d gauge that she’s looked at the netherlands of minimum 35% of you without your knowledge.
I mean yeah duh you'd know if someone was checking out your shit but you might not have known it was my mom because you don’t know her and she has a weird name that is different from my own and aren’t you stoked you kicked chlamydia in a week??
Seriously, come on you guys, besides AIDS, it’s only herpes that really blows and I don’t even think it phases that many peeps no more, just ask Paris Hilton. And I’m only saying that because she’s been captured by the paps (PUN INTENDED!) on more than one occasion filling a prescription for Valtrex.
And girl still gets plenty of ass. What I’m trying to say is everybody calm down but still don’t be silly and do wrap your willy but recognize that you don’t have to be a major-league slut (or even a house-league whore on weekends) to get a little sexually transmitted problemo and no such problemo is the end of the world, and when in doubt just ask my mom, she knows her shit.
In regards to this creepy OBay shiz, Devin was Watson to my Holmes and big ups to Agent Atherton’s mad skills particularly intriguing in regards to Vegas-related mystery sequences (ie: hypothetical but intricate casino heists) to which he shows strident and commendable dedication.
I noticed the ads first but Devin might have taken more initiative because he left a detailed message with the Obay academy (whoever they may be) and talked it out with Hercule Poirot over double espresso, straight-up, no sugar, whattaman.
Agent Atherton unearthed the following phone number and I dare you to call it and maybe if you leave a message you can help us crack the case.
1-888-You-OBAY
[SIDENOTE: I also can’t wait to get cracking on a bizarre mystery that Agent Youri “Harriet the Spy” Hollier has brought to my attention, one that involves a puzzling character that does the same thing everyday for about 10 hours, that being drowning in anime on the information superhighway in the same place at the same time every day and then leaving to go somewhere else to do…WE ARE NOT ENTIRELY SURE.]
I can’t wait to get to the bottom of the Obay case though, seriously.
Devin thinks the ads might be run by an arts college targeting rebels with alternative lifestyles??
Underground detectives near DIET CHERRY CHOCOLATE DR. PEPPER-filled coolers everywhere are talking about how someone might be very angry at arguably ill-fit parents who sedate their kids because they’re stressed the fuck out with the buggers!
[SIDENOTE OF CAUTION: If you’re not into cherry tootsie pops in carbonated liquid form, you probably won’t dig the latest in Dr. Pepper because you're just not adventurous enough.]
As someone deemed ADHD by “the experts”, I am especially curious about who the heck these Obay naysayers be and what the heck they naysayin’ anyways, knaw’m sayin’??
Shit….what’re you naysaying this weekend though??
Oh, me? Cooling out with my moms and my sis.
And this past weekend, I went to Toronto in search of the perfect burrito, no biggie.
THE PERFECT YAM FILLED BURRITO INFUSED WITH CAJUN INNUENDOS/WHAT’S UP.
No biggie….
It was basically Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle!
SUCH an incredible piece of cinematic genius. A truly great film. And I do mean “fiiiiilm” in that high and mighty way that sets it aside from a mere “movie”. I can’t even believe Crash took the big one home that year because racial stereotypes were way more aptly handled in Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle and anyone who doesn’t think so is seriously colourblind??
So yeah my adventure was basically Harry & Kumz under the guise of DEVIN & NICOLA GO 2 BIG FAT BURRITO. But with minimal homo-erotic undertones and max boring hetero makeout/grind-dance sequences and no pot-smoking whatsoever and no killer back and forth fart conversation, which is truly bizarre considering burritos are inherent gas havens…
YOU HARAJUKU GIRLS! DAMN, YOU'VE GOT SOME WICKED STYLE! HEAVY METAL GAS MASKS! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?! Y'ALL IS ON SOME FOOT CLAN SHIT!
Needless to say...IT WAS THE BEST BURRITO EVER!
WAIT! Wait a MINUTE….oh that’s riiiiight…by the time Agent Atherton and I got to Big Fat Burrito it was way closed, not that I got my knickers in a knot over it/had a hairy fit/wailed like a banshee/chained myself to the already chained-shut door in protest. Oh nooooo……
I did NONE of those things (read: totally pulled a Naomi Campbell…)
Aaaargh! It was totally Devin’s fault though because he MADE me go to the moving pictures with him earlier (Persepolis, 5:05 pm) and didn’t even take me to the VIP theatre because it sold out because we were too late and not romantic enough, quelle drag, and THEN he had the NERVE to MAKE me eat an ENTIRE WHEELBARROW full of popcorn EVENTHOUGH I really did NOT want to, especially not with butter and free refills and lame pink and red Hershey kisses, what a shitty joke THAT was.
Boy totally harshed my burrito vibe…HARSHED IT. Harrrrrd….
When resident Big Fat Burrito employee Paul was back at the duplex later, someone tried to make me forget the whole good burrito gone bad debacle by MAKING us watch this stupid skateboard movie...
But Paul smelled like cajun-seasoned yams and I burst into tears on impact with his eminent burrito-infused aura of glorious (read: TRAGIC) proportions. What the dilly with skateboarding anyways?!
I’ll take my CAR to work, thanks. Not that I have a job… Or a car…or a license for that matter. Or an unwarranted disdain for board sports/board shorts/bored sorts who don’t do NEARLY enough yoga, just saying…
Then I made Paul recite the yam burrito recipe to me again and again in bedtime story form (in hopes that I would dream a fantastic feast and wake up so full and flirty that I’d float around all day delighted as though I’d just figured out how to orgasm that morning or that heroin is initially quite pleasant before it inevitably fucks up everything you touch).
Devin fucking up my order aside, a sweet time was had by all. Especially me….except when I went to buy milk for my cereal (because these HEALTH NUTS only have 35% CREAM…) and accidentally walked across the street to the Salvation Army where it happened to be half-price day and I somehow sauntered back to my bowl and spoon five dollars poorer with some grey patent leather boots and no milk whatsoever, much to the chagrin of my Wheatabix, bless their little hearts…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T RELATE EVERYTHING BACK TO LL COOL J?!
HEY! Hey….c’mon, don’t naysay. I may have forgotten the milk but I got the lads Balderdash in my travels and everyone needs Balderdash in their apartment (read: everyone who wants to be my friend) and in conclusion, I’m back in the game.
Maybe I never even left…
In conclusion, if I had a million dollars I would buy my sister Hilary the 'Shake & Shimmy' edition of Hairspray because her roommate Jackie fucked up and bought the less exciting version for their household.
Shake & Shimmy. Anything less is just BALDERDASH!
I hope you've enjoyed your stay. Lord knows I've had a shite time playing hostess.
Franchment...COMME TOUJOURS! BONNE CHANCE MES AMIS!
No comments:
Post a Comment