I dedicate the following blogenstein to Matt Dillon circa Rumble Fish.
Matt's been coming up a lot in my life lately and he's been my inspiration and guiding light and for that I give him snaps.
I thought we'd start things off with one of my old-time faves and conclude with some hot new scoop.
Now if you want, you can be a son-of-a-gun and choose your own adventure and skip to the end for more sassy Diora Baird. But I recommend you stick with me so you can get some hot ideas of what to put on the summer mix tape you make me when you are bored...
In honour of how I reached Ottawa in the wee hours in order to spend a lovely Sunday poolside with my family, I thought I might consider some of my fave poolside jams of days gone by that still make me go "Aaaah..."
The Jungle Brothers' Done by the Forces of Nature is an album that I can listen to over and over and over again and not get tired of.
The following jam, SUNSHINE, is particularly close to my heart as it has never failed to lift my spirits when I'm feeling like a downer.
The same goes for this De La Soul number that reminds me of driving around with my first love rebound boyfriend in his shitbox while he drank hard liquor before noon.
This might not seem like a great thing to be reminded of, but really, it reminds me more of first date butterflies and those are always fun to reconsider, especially in the sun by the pool when your biggest worry is burning your nipples.
Beats, Rhymes and Life goes well with breaststroke and backcrawl. And here is one of its great sexy summer jams that reminds me of being a teen.
From the same album, this jam cannonballs fresh.
And this is what it means to relax...
This one, on the other hand, is totally TOTALLY played out and I don't know if I just find it annoying because it reminds me of this one mind-numbing summer I spent working at Bluenotes in the Rideau Centre in Ottawa where I heard it WAY TOO MUCH, or if I never really liked it to begin with.
I think that the video is fun to watch though, so maybe one could mute it and play a more awesome song...
Anyways! This hasn't been very funny but you can't win 'em all and so, I leave you with the knowledge that SUMMER LOVIN is one of my most despised songs of all time and it got that much more grating when manipulated by Diplo for Bonde do Role and I really REALLY do NOT like GREASE, it's a terrible nuisance of a musical as are most in which Julie Andrews or Barbara Streisand do not feature prominently.
So let's say sup to the moment you've all been waiting for...
UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH DIORA BAIRD'S PORNANI!!!
Psych, we lied.
If you feel let down and like you were kept in the dark all this time, that's exactly how I felt after I went to see Young People Fucking on Wednesday afternoon. It was everything I hoped it wouldn't be, from the moment I bought my ticket.
First, I went to the interac booth and tried to buy my ticket there because I didn't have my student ID and thought that way I could buy a student ticket without someone getting all up in my ballsack about how I didn't have student ID. Then the interac booth was being a biatch so I had to go to the real human booth. But not before I saw the film listed simply as "Young People" on the interac booth. And so, I had been really excited to say "FUCKING!" to the real human at the real human booth but in the end I was a fucking pansy flower and just said "1 for Young People, please."
I never saw a preview for this movie and read brief lack-lustre reviews of it but on Wednesday at 3:37 I was really at loss for what to do with myself and I really quickly checked what movies were playing and I saw YOUNG PEOPLE FUCKING and DIORA BAIRD and jumped on my bike and I really shouldn't have made it, considering how far it was and that it was starting at 4 but I was given supersonic energy at the thought of seeing Diora Baird naked in action, she who I've been a fan of since she graced the cover of Playboy in August 2005 as well as its insides.
She also did a fantastic Guess campaign that knocked the socks off Paris Hilton's and arguably pales in comparison to Drew Barrymore's??
Onward and upward. Diora Baird's Guess campaign caused a record-breaking and load-blowing number of car accidents in the days following the giant billboard installations in LA.
She is a Catherine Deneuvian sex bomb and we all want to paint her naked body with paint.
Her rack is frankly off the charts and her 2 seconds in the Wedding Crashers "SHOUT!" boob montage kind of blended in with all the other topless honeys up in that shiz and so we blame no one for not remembering her name either.
And so, you can imagine how super-vexed I was when I realized that I had spent nearly two hours watching a terrible movie I knew would be terrible, only to realize that Diora Baird is trying to become a "thespian" and I need to put my "lesbian" fantasies to rest, seeing that I haven't tangoed or nipple-rocked a girl in about two years and I'm sorry to say, there was always a boy nearby...
Feigned bi-curiosity aside, not only did I not see Diora Baird knocking anyone out with her 40 pound rack, I didn't even get so much as a slip of the nip. Oh, there were breasts, sure, but they belonged to some unknown dishwater blonde with boring nipples and cankles.
Therefore, don't go see Young People Fucking unless you're going to say "FUCKING" to the boothperson or even better, go see the new Batman movie but buy a ticket to something else just for the fun of feeling like you're sneaking into Scream and you totally shouldn't do it.
And by that I mean, say "1 for Young People Effyouseekaying, please." and I bet you'll get a funny look that will make your no name red licorice taste a lot better than it would otherwise.
So let's give three cheers to our dear friend Elizabeth Berkely for being a true thesbian and taking it all off in the name of making it bigger than breast implants!!!
Lastly, today my dad said "wigging out" and what's more perfect than that??
I'm audi.
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