EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY.

Life at 136 Dorothea Drive is REALLY exciting.

I eat cookies and watch television, my hangover is off the charts.

I almost went to a bar once but instead I went to South Keys multiplex with my parents.

















One time when I was 15, Dave Adelberg and I went to see THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS at SOUTH KEYS MULTIPLEX and then we played AIR HOCKEY like it was good flirting. A week or so later we found ourselves rolling down the hill at Mooney's Bay after we went to the LEBANESE FESTIVAL and went on a VIRTUAL REALITY RIDE IN THE 3rd DIMENSION.




















That is some LONG HAIR. I bet you a dime she's a Mormon. The coolest nannies in my neighbourhood growing up were, and I was jealous of the girls they looked after. MANE ENVY. I had short boy hair because my parents didn't want to deal with that shit and their nannies would do their hair cool everyday, french braids, fishtails, curly hair one day, crimpy the next...JEALOUS.















French braids. So after we rolled down the hill Dave Adelberg and I tongue-kissed or as the teens call it these days "FRENCHING".












Then I never called him back eventhough my dad told me to (and told Dave Adelberg that he TOLD ME TO CALL HIM BACK which made it THAT MUCH MORE EMBARASSING) and I went to France for the rest of the summer and commenced a cycle of awkward romantic behaviours that plagues me to this day.

Dave Adelberg is a really nice guy and he was really nice to me a few years later when my heart was ripped out and it wasn't even like that, he's just a nice guy.

















MAYBE I SHOULD FACEBOOK HIM AND TELL HIM HE WAS A DEAR FRIEND TO ME BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM WAS ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO WHEN MY HEART HAD BEEN RIPPED OUT AND I WASN'T MUCH FOR CONVERSATION OR REMINISCING.






















So after I got back from TEEN CENTRAL MULTIPLEX, I wrapped my Christmas gifts while this really awful movie (with Reese Witherspoon as an uptight ghost and Mark Ruffalo as a sad widower) played in the background. I never even tried to change the channel.

I'm with the French called "les incompetents".

So my mom was putting together the following 10 000 piece puzzle in the background.














And I was like "You know how sometimes, you just want to watch a really bad movie?? Like, y'know what I'm sayin' MA??"

And she was all "You're not my real daughter" 'n shit.

Hilary Elizabeth Young excels at puzzles too. And I'll never win Scrabble either, BIG DEAL.


















Truly, it is a big deal and it keeps me awake at night which is bad because I have to get a good sleep so I'm ready to eat more cookies and watch more television like it's as hard as Sophie's Muscle Toning Class, the bootcamp clique I haven't been to in about 3 weeks and in Hollywood they might say I have the TELL-TALE BUMP but I know better than that because to make a baby you need to DO IT and you can't just not and say you did and get away with all those carbs. OR NO ONE WILL ASK YOU TO PROM 3 TIMES.

You can't just get into a hot tub with a supersperm stud and get knocked up.
















But you CAN get pregnant from tongue-kissing or as the teens call it "GETTING THERE".
















Risk-free actitivies include grade 9 on 10 HJs at TEEN CENTRAL MULTIPLEX and mutual masturbation.





















Under the Christmas tree let's-pretend-to-do-it-but-not festivals are also risk-free in the advent of borderline girlfriend rumours??














No way...really??




















Well I'm only here for like 2 weeks so like, bring it??

"If you wanna be a femme fatale, you can't rest on your L'Oréals!"

You must go for REVLON. Outrageous. It smells like let's-make-out-like-teenagers.

















ANYWAYS...

Hilary made me watch THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA today, it's just that I'd seen it before not that I'm not too cool for it, I heard a rumour I'm "obsessed with fashion magazines" because I "live in Montreaaaaal" and I also KNOW THE SCOOP ON HARD DRUGS BECAUSE I LIVE IN MONTREAL therefore I DO A LOT OF HARD DRUGS IN FASHIONABLE OUTFITS...??

So I found myself going on about Heidi Klum as I sometimes do when I run out of things to say.

















And Hilary rolled her eyes and told me "EVERYBODY loves Heidi Klum..."

So THEN I said "But I thought everybody loved that Ray Romano guy!"

















And then my MOM said "No! Everybody loves PECORINO Romano! LET'S EAT!"
















And THEN my DAD said...

"I love Gisele Bundchen. And she loves me."






















I did my best to make some of my favourite funny boys come over for an Ian Flemingathon but it appears that there is a HOCKEY GAME TONIGHT and that my number one boy is JENNA BOND which is fitting.

Get it? Bond. Jenna Bond.



















I know. I know. Christ you guys, I KNOW!

Sean Connery.





















Yesterday, today and tommorow....

I'll take the rapist for five-hundred any day of the week over ROGER MOORE.

But Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman pre-med is SIIIIIICK. As my dad said at dinner yesterday.

Well he wasn't talking about Jane Seymour. He was just talking about teenspeak.

After my sister asked "So what are you guys saying next weekend though?"

Next weekend? That's a whole WEEK away. Make this one off the charts.




















And don't forget.

MUTUAL MASTURBATION.











STAY SEPARATE.



PEACE Y'ALL!