HELLO 1980s!

SAY HELLO TO BIGGER AND BETTER?
















Let's pretend last night never even happened.

What can I say, it TASTED like orange drink!














Drinks that start with ORANGE and end in JESUS are a good idea in THEORY.





















Kind of like bowling.














The best new year's resolution I ever heard was "HAVE MORE SEX" as spoken by a teenaged Charley Lazaro way back when.
















[SIDENOTE: Yet more bouncing boobage and ass-grinding as Fiennes applies the Michael Hutchence to Heather's neck, then bangs her on the floor, against the wall, around the room...97 seconds, 42 minutes into KILLING ME SOFTLY.]

Considering some of you have had more sex in the past five hours than I have had in the past 12 months, I suppose it's an achievable resolution if only I were able to get over my superiority complex and call it a comeback.


#1. HAVE MORE SEX.















As a wise woman (read: my mother) once said, "DON'T BE SILLY, WRAP YOUR WILLY!"

#2. DON'T EVER NOT LOOK CUTE.





















Girl-next-door is my fave go-to look.

When you look all glamazon in a tight dress and sparkly high heels and you hit a home run with the sexy bartender, you've got to keep it up and that is hard.


















In 2008, sometimes, instead of unbuttoning ONE MORE BUTTON consider adding a conversation piece to the mix. Personally, when I'm looking for tail I like to wear my Dr. Dre The Chronic t-shirt.





















#3.HAVE A CONVERSATION PIECE.

My Dr. Dre t-shirt is like a fancy brooch or a great boob job.





















My Dr. Dre t-shirt is like a fancy brooch or a great boob job...but BETTER because I'm less likely to get ogled and more likely to get someone with a sense of humour or a fun record collection. MAYBE EVEN BOTH!














I got a really great Queen t-shirt over the holidays so we'll see how it ties into my strategy in the coming months. The response to my I BEAT UP NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK t-shirt was so overwhelming that I couldn't just have a regular night at Bungalow 8 like a normal person when I wore it and SO, as a rule, I wear it but 4 times a year or my ears start ringing, what a wise man (read: my father, Dr. John G. Young, ENT) calls "tinnitus".

[SIDENOTE: The above boner-inducing image of Diora Baird was merely a rare and welcomed oppurtunity to display my fave Playboy pin-up Diora Baird at her finest. Her assets, bountiful as they may be, are all-natural. I believe this to be true and my sister Hilary believes it to be a crock of shit. I also believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the SECOND COMING.]

#4.















YUP. Like that kid from THE SIXTH SENSE in that movie he did after The Sixth Sense, NOT THAT IT MATTERED for HIM or Kevin SPACEY orrrrr Helen Hunt EITHER.

That aside, DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ONCE!





















Cool, so watch the following, sing along, and don't pretend it wasn't fun because Stevie Wonder exists for lovers not haters. Repeat whenever you feel like you're kind of a downer. Share it with your friends and enemies.


#5. KEEP SECRETS.











Sometimes it's fun to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend EVERYTHING.

Sometimes it doesn't matter because you think "I know they won't TELL anyone..." but consider this.

Like a handjob from a stripper, telling a secret feels good at the time but in retrospect it was unnecessary, especially considering what they say about handjobs..."I'd just as soon do it myself".












So when you have a secret and you feel like you could just BUST, go and look in the mirror and tell yourself OUT LOUD. Then go "Oh my GOD. REALLY?? But I thought he had a third nipple!" and think about high school and how it's over and for that we should all be thankful. Then go watch some porn and BUST. Or a Heather Graham movie because more often than not that means full-frontal.

#6. BE ASSERTIVE. For example, if you think that someone is treating your nipples like steak rather than beautiful treasures say so or forever hold them later going "Owwwwww! What the HELL?".
















Use caution with your assertiveness or you'll come off evil. A good rule of thumb is to consider your motives before ripping into someone. In recent times I found myself saying to my sister "I OWNED that shit. I do believe I made him feel SMALL. WHAT'S UP." and she reminded me that I wasn't in a movie and it wasn't necessary to go all "Listen LIMPdick..." on just anyone just because Julia Roberts made it look cool in STEPMOM. I took my fist down from the air (where I'd been pumping it) considered that she was right (as she and my mom always are) and maybe even issued a press conference the next day to apologize for being "confrontational" and something about "utmost respect" and "remain the best of friends".

SO DON'T BE A MEANIE BUT TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS. Seize oppurtunity.













Or it will PASS YOU BY.













And you'll be sad (read: sexually frustrated)and I HATE being sad (read: sexually frustrated).


#7. KNOW AT LEAST 3 GOOD JOKES AND 1 MAGIC TRICK TO RELIEVE SOCIAL STRESS.

No knock-knock jokes because all they all end the same. The person hearing the joke looks at the person telling it like "Oh no you di-in't" and they look back like "Oh but I DID" but it's in slow motion and not the cool Yasmine Bleeth Baywatch opening credits slow motion, but the I can't believe I'm still having this conversation how can I escape slow motion...

As for magic tricks, don't just levitate. It's tired.











When David Blaine comes down from levitating and he's all "holy fuck I can't breathe" I automatically think of premature ejaculation and the faces and noises that accompany such occurences and then I feel funny and not like haha more like I'm fifteen and this is my parents couch and you have braces. So just don't do it. Levitate. I mean prematurely ejaculate. I mean...do you know what I mean??

#8. SPEAK WORDS, NOT ACRONYMS.
















Unless of course the acronym is DFHJ. Actually...it doesn't flow as well as DFMO. And it's more epic OBVIOUSLY. So if you get a DFHJ? Just say so. "Hey you guys! I got a dance floor hand-job!" High fives all around, right?

#9. READ MORE FOR YOU AND FOR FUN.





















Not just magazines. Books too!






















#10. And stop being such a PERVERT.





















No seriously though, stop it.

JK! JK! JK! 4get what I said about acronyms, I LOVE THEM and them and ALL SHORT FORMS.


















Keep in mind that resolutions 1 to 10 (inclusive) are merely suggestions. I will not be held accountable for anyone fucking up by taking them the wrong way, I NEVER SAID HAVE MORE SEX WITH DANNY DEVITO. Didn't say it. But big ups to Rhea Perlman. SERIOUSLY!

This however, is NOT a suggestion. It's like, SO TRUE!


















In conclusion....