ALL THE RAGE, VOLUME 1.

SUP LADS AND LASSIES?! WILLKOMMEN 2 MEIN BLOG! BROADCASTING THE RAGE! HEEEEEERE WE GO...

Oh and anyone who thinks having a B-L-O-G is self-involved is CLEARLY INSANE. Onward and upward.

So hey you guys, listen up/don't MAKE me say it twice: this here blog will chronicle my sexscapades as a single gal on the isle of Montreal. I lead a very exciting life, I get laid TONS and I have very expensive shoes and I like to WHINE and 4 hours and 3 tiramisus later, I found myself wondering "Why am I still slangin' gelato for 7 dollars an hour??" (inhales Marlbloro light, looks pensive)

FACTS OF LIFE:
Times New Roman BLOWS.

Clarence Carter’s Slip Away is the most romantic song ever.

Belinda Carlisle’s Heaven is A Place on Earth is an entirely righteous way to start the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQahvFdQVu8dQVu8

That or Sugarhigh by who the fuck knows, you know, the final song on the Empire Records soundtrack, the one that Rene Zelwegger sings REALLY WELL on the roof to release her RAGING ROCK STAR DEMONS, you know before she got skinny and buff and scary and dated Jim Carrey (ref. Fig 1.). Check THIS out too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwBMQI0LK7w

Fig. 1 (not pleased with this image, don't know why it's so bloody small, I can barely read it and my nickname is NOT 4eyes...).

This is also a hearty breakfast: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW06iF0Ntaw.com/watch?v=rW06iF0Ntaw

George Clooney appeared in 17 episodes of THE FACTS OF LIFE between 1985 and 1987. His character’s name was also George.

Between 1985 and 1987, I was bored because my sister was not born yet (HI HILARY!)

This is my sister Hilary Elizabeth Young. She's a supermodel in Haliwood, Nova Scotia. I think she's really pretty and nice and makes way better jokes than me. Great legs, kind heart, big booms.

These are my parents (John Gordon Young & Astrid Killike Paidra) on their wedding day in 1979. My mom's the shit because she skipped a grade (and she's from the same town as Avril Lavigne). My dad's the shit because he's had a beard for like 40 years straight. Plus they're doctors so that means they're SUPERSMART.

This is my brother Alexander Lachlan Young and his steady girlfriend Victoria "POSH" Tuttle.

It looks like she wears the pants and he's scared. Which begs the question, "Should they REALLY be moving in together??" (chill the heck out Alex, I'm just taking the piss, and Victoria I think you're sweet as pie and I loved the birthday card you made me with all the cool purses on it.) Alex went to Australia to HAHDEN THE FACK UP. He is really good at painting, and he enjoys lifting heavy objects and he's totally okay with eating nachos minus salsa (coughWEIRDO!)

FUN SECRETS:

I only figured out how to turn off my alarm clock yesterday. I’ve had it for about a month. Before that, every time it went off I would unplug it, plug it back in and reset the time or else it would just keep beeping.

If you plug my alarm clock back in really fast it will KEEP BEEPING like you NEVER EVEN UNPLUGGED IT.

I have a crush on FrenchfromFrance Jean-Francois who teaches yoga (ref. Fig. 2) at the downtown YMCA on Saturday mornings. I don’t know if he is into girls or boys; I’d say he is appealing to a wide variety of orientations and generations. If you know, let me know.

Fig. 2

If you put a packet of NUTRASWEET in a glass of DIET COKE it will MAKE THE BUBBLES DISAPPEAR IMMEDIATELY. I know this because I TRIED IT ONCE because sadly, I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF ASPARTAME and WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT WOULD TASTE LIKE. The verdict: NOT SO GOOD.

I have a playlist called STURBSLEEP on my iTUNES. It’s for jerking off before I go to bed. D’Angelo Devil’s Pie intro, Charlie Parker/John Coltrane extended outro. You know, so I don’t have to get out of bed after I’m finished.

I watched the Junos (not really).

I will find my way to a television for September 8th’s MTV VIDEO AWARDS (really).

I have seen Brooke Hogan receive BEST GRILLZ on the MTV TEEN CHOICE AWARDS minimum three times. It’s the last award. I always miss the rest. This bothers me immensely.

I still think that Demi and Ashton are a hoax.

NEXT SHIT:

This new series called Californication starring David Duchovny is bloody hilarious. There is life after Red Shoe Diaries [ref. Fig. 3] for David Duchovny [ref. Fig. 4]. Soft-core erotica for straight women as narrated by David Duchovny (1992 to 1999). GET WITH IT. Somehow his nasal monotone works for this shit. Or maybe you forget about because you GET TO SEE THE BARE BREASTS OF THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER FROM THE NANNY. Soft-core erotica for Fran Drescher fans [ref. Fig. 5]the world over (1993-1999). Translated into more languages than Anne of Green Gables (not a proven fact).

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

TAMBOURINE REMIX (WHAT’S UP...still good).

PURPLE PILLS (full dirty version OBVIOUSLY...still SIIIIIIIICK!)

BORN SLIPPERY (over and over and over again.)

PATENT LEATHER?? HIGH-WAISTED JEANS?? HARD DRUGS??? BEING INVINCIBLE?? (holy shit is that you pete doherty?? you're STILL here?!?! PROPS!)

MY FALL SCHEDULE AT CONCORDIA UNIVERSITY (WHAT’S UP 4 DAY WEEKEND WHAT’S UP).

HOT READ OF THE WEEK:

AIIGHT PEACE & LOVE BROTHERS AND SISTERS, HIT THE BOOKS AND NOT THE BOTTLE.

(aside: Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868)

ONE!

you know you love me,
gossip girl
www.gossipgirl.net

END SCENE.

P.S. BONUS FUN FACT/SAY ANYTHING MOMENT: Until I googleimaged David Duchovny I forgot all about X-Files. Holy shit what’s up Trivial Pursuit 90s LOSER.

In addition, these are a few of my favourite things. It's an old piece, but still highly relevant considering all this talk about global warming.

ALL ORIGINAL MATERIAL BY NICOLA JANE YOUNG, PRE-TAPED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE 13 DAYS AGO LIVE FROM DROLET IT'S LABOUR DAYYYYY!!!

{BIG UP 2 CARROT TOP, YOU'VE BEEN MY GUIDING LIGHT, JAH BLESS.}