"THE TRUTH ISSUE" {with BONUS BODY ISSUES 4 FREE}

HOT JEANS! COOL TEES! FAB SWEATERS!

[237 LOOKS FROM MY UPCOMING FASHION VERNISSAGE]

First things first, the rumours are true.

....

WHOEVER SAID THAT BEING FAT IS HOT IS RIGHT.

Which is good because I hate Sophie's Muscle Toning Class with a burning passion and never just wish it were noon the next day when I go to bed on Tuesday and Thursday nights. Not only are her exercises completely wack, especially the ab ones, her choice of music is TERRIBLE. Whoever told her that the Run Lola Run theme is a good crowd hyper needs to get a clue. I don't know what she's thinking trying to blast fat to that jam. Personally, the Run Lola Run theme makes me want to fall asleep and never have beat-me-up sex again. EVER.

Besides...

And whoever said that guys don't care about tits that much is totally on the ball.

No one can deny that...

And Baywatch is a terrible show. Who HASN'T had a nightmare about Yasmeen Bleeth circa 1994? EXACTLY.

Anyway, boys like funny girls who don't put out on the first night. BELIEVE ME.

More importantly, the main reason I'm leaving Montreal is that I hate poutine. I can smell it when I'm trying to sleep and it's pretty annoying. Then I have to follow my nose and file a complaint. And then I have to look at all the sober fucks at Belle Province having a terrible time. And then I go have an awesome time. With some NAYA.

Also nachos are the worst, and they don't have those in Alaska. Thank GOD.

NOW FOR THE YOUNG HOLLYWOOD SET! THE REAL STARS!

Reality TV is a passing fad.

Reality TV is a passing fad.

Reality TV is a passing fad.


FASHION BLOWS.

I had a terrible horrible no good very bad time at the Swaporama at Marché Mtl this evening. I hate clothes. They don't have those in Alaska. Alaska is a very small nudist colony in Eastern Europe. Okay, I don't hate clothes, at least not soft ones made of polar fleece. I hate fashion accessories. And I would NEVER said foot in Ardène. EVER. Not for a million dollars. Not for 10 pairs of sunglasses for 10 dollars either. Definitely not. And I am not at all vain. I don't even own a mirror. I definitely don't have mirrored closets. Or a mirror beside my bed...

DANCING IS THE WORST.

OKAY, let it be known, once and for all, that the Macarena is NOT AT ALL FUN. Stop playing it at weddings. Nobody likes it. Especially not old ladies. Especially not kids. Especially not EVERYONE. Certainly not ME...

I have never met a girl named Amna Silim who is very funny and can shake it like no other.

The biggest truth of all is that it is NOT JULIA'S HERMON'S BIRTHDAY ON THURSDAY. Whoever made her a card is pretty stupid. Especially if he's in a band called the FROZEN EMBRYOS. What does he think he is, some kind of bad-ass rock star?? Whatever Catalano...

Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel for the worst episode of My So-Called Life in the history of the 1994/1995 season.

WHY JORDAN CAN'T READ

Wait a minute, wasn't My So-Called Life only on for...

DON'T GET ME STARTED.

The worst episode was actually THE ZIT.

No it was the one where Jordan and Angela make out in the basement stairwell. And Hilary can not act it out word for word and she is not in love with a television character. Because that would just be silly...

I AM NOT OFF TO DEWEY DECIMAL MY WALK-IN CLOSET.

NICOLA-LEE SIMMONS.

P.S. Dr. Pepper is not a mysterious blend of 23 flavours. (Thank you Daniel Gelfer.)

And I am slowly trying to steal your boyfriend because I have zero respect for loving monogamous relationships. Speaking of WHICH, I think it's my parents anniversary today. Or the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that?? Hmmmm...HAPPY ANNIVERSARY YOU GUYS! I HOPE YOUR ADVENTURE UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN IS BETTER THAN THAT DIANE LANE MOVIE! Diane Lane in Rumble Fish...that's another story entirely.