SIMON SEX GET THE FUCK OFF F-BOOK (Girls, rub on ya titties.)

I think I'm going to get the internet.

That's all my mom, my sister and my steady ever tell me to do...

"CALL BELL CALL BELL GET THE INTERNET CALL BELL GET THE INTERNET"

That's how my moms signs her P.S.s (pee-esses).

So I think I'm going to, because then I could be showered with more affection although I have been getting a lot of mail lately, mostly owing to my dad obviously manipulating everyone who e-mails him him with variations of "Oh poor Nicola Picola, what TERRIBLE luck, send her my love Johnny, would you??" To which he must reply, "SEND IT YOURSELF! HERE IS HER ADDRESS. IF IT WEREN'T FOR REAL MAIL, NICOLA WOULD CRY 5 TIMES MORE OFTEN THAN SHE DOES WHEN PEOPLE WRITE HER LETTERS. Sincerely, Johnny Canuck."

For real, my dad refers to himself in this way, as do half the people he knows. The other half are in the midst of being pressured to do so, as he signs off in this way in his letters.

For example, my steady D told me not too long ago "I got a postcard from your dad. Actually, it was from Johnny Canuck...??"

Coolness.

Ugh. Did you know that when you googleimage MR. BIG, Chris Noth comes up?? Sex and the SHITTY. Yeah maybe I taped all but 3-5 episodes of Sex and the City on VHS, but UGH nonetheless. Mr. Big is a CHOCOLATE BAR. Come on! Anybody? Anybody??

At least I thought he was a chocolate bar so big you'd call him mister. Mr. Big may very well be one of these...ladybugs??

ALRIGHT! I think this has been supremely boring for everyone involved.

Anyways. I've been jerking off to this picture for three years but I still don't think it's boring.

Okay?? And I've said it before but I'll say it again. Young People Fucking shows Diora Baird's rack exactly zero times.

= BORING.

Wait a minute. Waiiiiiiiiiiit a minute...

THIS JUST IN.

I've watched a number of "New Hard-Core Art Films" lately for school, which just turned me onto some really hot goss.

She said "turned me on..."

HA!

Apparently, Lie With Me (2005), features unsimulated sex with the likes of...ERIC BALFOUR.

Wait, who? Is that the guy that sings the song that goes "Come ma ledday, Come-come ma ledday, yo ma buttafla, suga, behbay".........??

Sure looks like him (kinda/sorta.)

Soanyway...Eric Balfour.

HOW DO YOU DO, MR. GQ!!! COOL!

Also known as, that tall=hot guy from Six Feet Under who was also on the OC back when that shit was bangin' and hmmmm...before that he was probs doing porn like Simon Rex back in the 90s...

[I feel like Eric Balfour is on some really hot show right now but I'm not quite sure what it is/might be. I feel like he's a doctor maybe...I don't know anything.]

So...

You don't even know how carried away I just got with googleimaging Simon Rex. Also known as, the hottest thing EVER.

And I say thing to objectify him. (Sorry Simon!) Because he is a sex object. IT IS NOT HARD TO FIND PROOF. But you can't see much of it at the CON-U library, that's for sure. Our man Dirt Nast has a prominence in gay porn, so homoboys, man up and get on that shit tonight.

Come on, come on...he's asking for it.

As for me, I know what I'm saying this eve.

And by eve I mean this afternoon, after I leave this godforsaken place and head to the movie store and make my way home to dance around in my kitchen with visions of Eric Balfour dancing in my head... (Sorry Devin, what happens when you're in Ohio stays between me and Eric Balfour and my kitchen.)

En conclusion, the truth is, it's not that hard to WAIT A MINUTE. I was going to say that Simon Rex's cock will come up the second you googleimage Simon Rex but the truth is, I totally forgot I changed my settings on google so that I could look at naughty stuff.

Shouldn't CON-U find a way to outlaw Simon Rex's cock and Diora Baird's magnificent mountains??

Yearn they not for such appendages more than 456 than interfriendages??

Sadly, for 99% of the teens (closeted kids included), that is probs not the case.

DIORA+SIMON= FAR MORE DISTRACTING THAN F-BOOK, NO??