-3 to 5 moments of romantic passion
-1 KING-SIZE Twix
-an "on-the-dry-side" M&M cookie
Ben Barna ate the crumbs, is considerably less obnoxious than Danny “Tight Pink Teen Pussy” Barna, and Ben Barna finished this hot movie scoop last night at Café Suprême at 4:09 am. http://www.joblo.com/a-lot-more-dick-for-us
There is more hot movie scoop where that came from. A lot of it followed by "It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault Ben Barna, it's not your fault."
In honour of our fleeting (yet everLASTING?) crush, here is Rory Gunderson’s AUTUMN READING LIST, as completed by December 21st, 2007 (future-tense).
1. The Secret World of Og by Pierre Berton
In honour of our fleeting (yet everLASTING?) crush, here is Rory Gunderson’s AUTUMN READING LIST, as completed by December 21st, 2007 (future-tense).
1. The Secret World of Og by Pierre Berton
2. George’s Marvellous Medicine by Roald Dahl
(because The Witches is FAR TOO SCARY. And that is NOT ANJELICA HOUSTON'S FAULT. And everything else by Roald Dahl is not even mildly entertaining.)
3. Dr. DeSoto by William Steig
4. Miss Rumphius by Barbara Cooney
5. The 12 Dancing Princesses by Marianna Mayer
6. The War with Mr. Wizzle by Gordon Korman
7. A Semester in the Life of a Garbage Bag by Gordon Korman
8. Encyclopedia Brown: Boy Detective by Donald J. Sobol
9. Anything by Gordon Korman (except don't ruin everything by uncovering current pictures of him because it will ruin the image you had of him being ETERNALLY TWELVE because that's how old he was when he wrote This Can't Be Happening at Macdonal Hall by Gordon Korman)
10. 10 by Bo Derek
At 7:30 this morning, my landlord, who lives above me, decided it was a fantastic time to rearrange her living room, change her mind and then re-rearrange her living room. This seemed as good a time as any to varnish her kitchen floor, have 14 showers, and allow her teenaged sons to listen to Eminem’s Mockingbird and shout “Ta gueule!” at one another repeatedly. Now this wouldn't normally bother me, but I went to bed after 5 am because I was reading Cracking India by Bapsi Sidhwa at Café Suprême, something I should have done days ago considering I have an essay due in less than 24 hours. Not at Café Suprême though because EVERYTHING THERE IS TERRIBLE. For some unknown reason, I was drawn there for the third Tuesday in a row and I seriously don't know why because no one there is even remotely attractive. But the bartender at Korova could very well turn into Tommy Lee after 4 to 5 GIANT Pabst Blue Ribbons...
At 7:30 this morning, my landlord, who lives above me, decided it was a fantastic time to rearrange her living room, change her mind and then re-rearrange her living room. This seemed as good a time as any to varnish her kitchen floor, have 14 showers, and allow her teenaged sons to listen to Eminem’s Mockingbird and shout “Ta gueule!” at one another repeatedly. Now this wouldn't normally bother me, but I went to bed after 5 am because I was reading Cracking India by Bapsi Sidhwa at Café Suprême, something I should have done days ago considering I have an essay due in less than 24 hours. Not at Café Suprême though because EVERYTHING THERE IS TERRIBLE. For some unknown reason, I was drawn there for the third Tuesday in a row and I seriously don't know why because no one there is even remotely attractive. But the bartender at Korova could very well turn into Tommy Lee after 4 to 5 GIANT Pabst Blue Ribbons...
Anyway, at this time tommorow, I will be completing said essay, something I probably should have done today, considering that it will have been due two hours prior by that point. Go back. Read it again. Digest. Take a dump. Follow it with 2-ply. As bought by me at 4-Frères at 2am last night. Now that my job is over, I will no longer be using 1-ply, as I have done for the past 5 weeks when I kept running out and magically being in the presence of 1-ply at work. As no one has EVER said before me, drastic times call for drastic measures. And as I've said before, Pat Vaillant's DRASTIK PLEASURES mix can be found at http://www.zshare.net/audio/34834528d819a3/
One high school student council president recently said to me, "Your biting social satire as spoken in the tongue of MS PAINT is the most innovative thing since Jackson Pollock's action painting!" To that I replied, "Quit being so goddamn clever. What do YOU know?? You're just a teenaged BOY! Go get a training bra, commence menstruation and then come and tell me what is real because then and ONLY then will you even have a fighting chance at knowing shit about shit." To that he shot back, "Don't swear, it's terribly unbecoming." So I said, "Quit jerking off in your parent's basement to Barely Legal Volume 17 and go get yourself some tight pink teen pussy before graduation." Wait a minute. Waiiiiiiit a MINUTE! That's what Danny Barna would have said. I said, "Listen sweet-pea...take off your glasses. See? You're not bad-looking! Now stop dousing yourself in Axe deoderant spray and just tell her that you like her. What's the worst that could happen? She doesn't like you back and you ask some grade 10 to prom. A grade 10 will definitely go to prom with you. Even if you don't wear your contacts. You know why? Older guys are cool. End of story. Good luck and when you finish high school, you should go talk to Danny Barna because he really knows how to impress sober girls in their 20s. Another thing, be careful which grade 10 you ask to prom because surprisingly enough, some of them only give BJs."
Grade 10 girls rule. As Matthew McConaughey once said, in the role of David Wooderson, "High school girls. I love 'em. I get older? They stay the saaame age..." This was before he took off his shirt for all eternity and started spending a suspiciously large portion of his time between films taking "bike trips" with Lance Armstrong...
I use the term "film" loosely. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days was the worst 90 minutes of my life by far. I'd be more upset about it but my mom paid, so like, whatever, right? That doesn't change the fact that even if Kate Hudson got implants like her mom, she would never even come close to Private Benjamin-level cool. I didn't even like her as Penny Lane. God, her voice is grating... I think that it would have been alright if Sarah Polley had taken the role because Sarah Polley would never go all mainsteam on us, even if we begged her. Have you seen Go? What happened after Go? That's right, not too damn much. In terms of Wilson brothers romance at least... That being said My Life Without Me is arguably more heartwrenching than The Sweet Hereafter. In relation, everyone should read my favourite Russell Banks novel, Rule of the Bone.
Getting back to MS Paint creations, I give you none today. The reason is THIS. If you just look at the pictures, you'll never learn to read. If you never learn to read you'll never graduate from high school. If you never graduate from high school, you're much less likely to go to university. And if you don't graduate from university you're about as useful as a virgin.
Of course, I don't actually believe any of that. I like artsy types who say, "Fuck university. And fuck you too, DAD." Sean Penn makes great movies about those guys. I like lost souls, "so deep in their self-loathing that any woman who dares to love them is ultimately deemed an idiot". Said the red-head to Hank Moody. As played by David Duchovny. In a boring new show called Californication. It speaks to me. She also said something like, "Dating?? We fuck and watch old movies in your apartment." Who, me? No, the red-head...
And there's nothing wrong with being a virgin either. I have a lot of respect for holding out. Waiting for "the one" is silly but waiting for someone cool that you feel at ease with is definitely cool. I'm often sarcastic but I'm being dead-serious. The reason I'm so fond of making born-again virgin jokes is that sometimes I wish I could have my v-card back. Other times, I thank GOD that THE BEST 90 MINUTES OF MY LIFE did NOT take place at my local multiplex.
10 Things I Hate About You. Now that is what we call a FILM!
Someone once said to me, "Yeah, you look like Felicity...Felicity crossed with that girl from 10 Things I Hate About You. Except that she's ugly and you're not." Then I said, "Thanks Mark! That's swell!" and we continued watching The Fight Network in silence.
When I was 13, a girl at school said I looked like Kate Moss..."except that she's really ugly...you look like her! But she's really ugly." I don't look like Kate Moss. Only in my dreams...and sometimes when I'm drunk and Hilary and I are wearing matching red plaid tube dresses and black fishnets and one white evening glove each like when Paris and Britney hung out for a couple of weeks last November and shared a pair of thigh-high socks.
Okay, I KNOW I said no pictures but whatever, I faintly resembled MY ULTIMATE STYLE WARRIOR for 10 seconds of my life and THAT is something worth noting!
Plus, I really miss my sister.
Fuck it, here's my brother too...I don't let him out of his cage very often.
In other Kate Moss news, in 1996, I had the following Calvin Klein Obsession ad in my locker at an all-gir
ls private school.
ls private school.This provoked giggly whispers from a few young fools and one or two rants about gay rights and freedom of expression on my part...
In grade 8, I would wear my Elmwood crested sweater inside out. The teachers would say, "Nicola, your sweater is inside out." And I would retort, "But Miss NAUFAUL! I'm making a STATEMENT!" Then I went to public school and lost my v-card. Relax you guys, I waited until I was 17 and we were so totally in love, you wouldn't believe how much we were digging eachother! Unless it happened to you too. In which case, I must say, "Wasn't it FUN?!"
Young love rocks. Then it ROLLS....
In other Kate Moss news, as a 9 year-old with dreams of becoming a fashion designer, I thought my skin and bones younger sister was the SPITTING IMAGE of THE POSTER CHILD FOR HEROIN CHIC. And so I would lovingly wrap her in swaddling cloths...you know, garbage bags, table cloths, maybe the pool cover sometimes...and proclaim myself the next big thing (read: NEXT KARL LAGERFELD) and she, my PROTEGÉ...(sidenote: you have no idea how long it took me to figure out that accent...like 50 seconds min.)
Anyway, I would make Hilary pose for photos against the concrete walls of our scary basement trying to capture the look of the era. "NO SMILING. Hilary! STOP! This is SERIOUS! Look SERIOUS!!!" It's funny I guess, but also pretty weird in retrospect.
Sometimes, on special occasions, like Christmas, I would get a bit FASHION FESTIVE.
This coming from a girl who cherished her first Fall fashion magazine like a security blanket. It was the Fall 1994 issue of Elle with a black and white shot of Cindy Crawford in jeans and a tiny sweater emblazoned with the American flag from Ralph Lauren's boys line. You could see her stomach. I loved her. And I'll admit, I kind of wanted to be American, even for just like, 15 seconds. I read at least 900 times. The best part is, that my dad bought it for me. And he's the kind of Dad who says things like "I've had these jeans for 30 YEARS!" and thinks that no one should spend more than $10 on denim and $5 for a haircut is sort of steep.
My dad gave me my thrifty nature. He also gave me the innate ability to repeatedly lose my wallet (even if it's attached to a chain on my JNCO raver pants). Hence my constant need to be thrifty. It's also his fault that I can never EVER find my keys. Or anything else for that matter.
OH. MY. GOD. While googleimaging JNCO raver jeans I discovered thererack.com by Bill Boulden. Also known as MY NEW SUPERCOOL NEW FRIEND BILL BOULDEN. Oh my God, sweet.
My mom skipped grades and went to medical school when she was like 15. I went to summer school, like...oh that's RIIIIGHT...EVERY SUMMER! I thank GOD my parents don't expect me to be a doctor like THEM. Seriously. I see enough awesome people doing things they don't think are particularly awesome. Life is short my friends. Live it up. Or turnit a LOOSE.
If you made it this far, you hopefully figured out the underlying message of the day...
Rory Gunderson, this means YOU. The prominent thread IS....(imagine if right now I went "drumroll PLEEEASE!" Oh man that would be lame.)
READING IS COOL. Go do it. But watch this first. And watch the whole thing because the best part is at the end. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOBDEhxd_WU
Oh and I almost forgot, another REALLY GREAT BOOK is Fire Mountain by Glen Downey. It's illustrated by some aging hippie hermit named CAPTAIN LIAM OSCAR THURSTON. Man, that guy is WEIIIIIIRD...
I thought it was sort of perfect because it is "A Stunning Graphic Novel that can reach the most reluctant reader!" It contains "compelling fiction". And "historical facts". Aaaaand...an "ACTUAL TIMELINE!" Those are a dying art. Especially in Art History at Concordia University.
R.I.P. Mount Vesuvius.
Wait...
Oh NOOO!
WATCH OUT!!!!
AHA! And there you were thinking I was going to do something predictable like give you a mind-blowing JAPANIMATION version of Here It Comes Again by KORN. My my my...you really are QUITE foolish. Pffft...nice CROSS-TRAINERS.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdS4YcomJL0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdS4YcomJL0
Hey what's up I don't know if I mentioned it but JENNA AND I ARE GOING TO NEW YORK CITY TOMMOROW TO VISIT ALISON GRIMALDI-DONAHUE!!!
Sometimes it's hard being so INCREDIBLY CULTURED.
SEEYAZ L8R!!!
P.S. I've moved on from Lou Bega and upgraded to Chanel. Thanks Mike Taylor. And by that I mean "Forget YOU, Mike Taylor!"
"What do I wear to bed?
Why, Chanel No. 5 of course!"
My girl Norma-Jean also once said, "If you can make a girl laugh- you can make her do anything."
This couldn't be more true and that's what Astrid and John and I talked about over leftovers on Monday evening. My dad said "You think?" and I said "Come ON, you KNOW that's true." And my mom said "I think it just took him a long time to figure out."
"But DAD, you're not even bad-looking!" said the Nicola.
"I know!" said Dr. John G. Young.
We really are a thrifty pair. Seriously though boys, FUNNY ONES ARE THE BEST. Forget pumping iron. Make me laugh. Okay, but don't forget pumping iron forEVER. Your metabolism will catch up to you. Even you, Mike Taylor.
In conclusion, I dedicate the following to DANNY BARNA'S TIGHT PINK TEEN PUSSY and ONE VERY SMELLY T-SHIRT.
This video is a masterpiece. Of EPIC proportion. Kind of like how Danny Barna is an ASSHOLE of EPIC PROPORTION!
My only problem is that Cindy Crawford does not feature prominently. It's ALMOST like she was an afterthought. And THAT'S JUST MEAN.
[SIDENOTE: I don't give a flying fuck about how Elaine Irwin Mellancamp doesn't get much screen time because I just think it was totally wack of her to be in George Michael's video while she was MARRIED TO JOHN MELLANCAMP. She was basically cheating on him. Because George Michael likes FEMALES. And we like George Michael?? I don't know about you, but I don't LIKE like George Michael. That being said, he TOTALLY RULES!!!]
I'm probably just MAD AT CHRISTY TURLINGTON because she STOLE ED BURNS FROM ME.
Not that he's attractive.
Oh nooooo....Ed Burns blows.
ReLAX, it's an empire waist! I think?? I mean, I KNOW it's an empire waist, like obviously I know it's an empire waist, what do you think I wear Skechers or something?? SMALLTOWN! I mean...that I don't THINK she's with child. Although she was with child in the past. And she looks sort of with-child. I'm just covering my tracks for when the authorities come after me.
FINAL THOUGHT:
If Ed Burns should have picked me. But if not me, he should have picked Heather Graham. Because she has WAY better tits than Christy Turlington. Some might say they are OUT OF THIS WORLD. As prominently exhibited in Boogie Nights, most notably in the scene where Marky-Mark gets to "try her out". Sorry...most notably in the scene where "Mark Wahlberg" gets to try her out. Her bush is also pretty awesome.
Speaking of Marky-Mark, I was hanging out with some Olympic paddling champ the other day who is also a "Roots model" whatever THAT means...ANYWAY, he was telling me about this time he met Marky-Mark in Toronto through his agent...it was actually more like I was talking about Marky-Mark and how he was GOD in the MID-90s CALVIN KLEIN CAMPAIGNS, or how GOOD VIBRATIONS IS A REALLY GOOD SONG and then this "Roots model" was like "I met him in Toronto once through my agent." and I was like "YOU met Marky-MARK?!?!" And he was all "His name is Mark Wahlberg, you know." Like HE was OFFENDED! Like HE was MARKY-MARK or something! Talk about getting in over your head....
Nevertheless, here is his "website": http://www.vankayak.com/
I promised him I'd put it in here because he is "shy" and has "trouble meeting girls". Because he's not hot. At ALL. Nor is he amusing in the least. Nor did he look totally cute when he fell asleep with my brother's stuffed puppy dog on the couch.
In case you think I'm implying that I made out with this "world champion" the other day, I actually made out with his roommate. For like 14 seconds. MAX!
Does anybody else miss Rory Gunderson???
No comments:
Post a Comment