Lindsay Lohan going to trial

It's a risky move but Lindsay Lohan is adamant that she's innocent in her felony grand theft case therefore, TMZ reports, she will NOT be taking any plea deals.

If she had taken the offered plea deal today, she would have been sentenced to 3 months in jail which would have equaled about 19 days total due to overcrowding.  However, now that she's going on trial she could either get off with nothing... OR a lot of time behind bars.



Here's the thing.  If Lindsay if found guilty she'll also be found in violation of her current probation which will result in added time in jail on top of felony prison time.  And the judge could toss her in jail before her trial even begins!  But then again, she could wait to see if LiLo is actually guilty.  Waiting would be the fair thing...



The first hearing is set for April 22.  I still think this is nuts... she KNEW the store owner.  She tried on the necklace in plain sight while chatting them up and walked out of the store visibly wearing it... I still think it was lent to her, and not shoplifting.  Now this store owner is said to be hawking a book deal about the whole thing.  You can't say this isn't shady.



What is shady though, is her father's newest legal problem... his charge of domestic violence has now been reduced to a misdemeanor with $30,000 bail.  But Michael Lohan is saying (via TMZ) it was his ex-girlfriend who assaulted HIM.  He's pretty much turning everything Kate Major has accused him of and going, "Nooo. You did that to ME. Youuu did! I know you are but what am I??"



It's funny how unsuccessfully manipulative he tries to be.  Michael, you're not smart enough to be an actual conniving person.



He also used this opportunity to drag his daughter's name into this, weeping that Kate stole some clothes he bought for Lindsay in the process of "beating" him or whatever... Oh yeah, what every 24-year-old woman wants... her dad picking out her outfits.  Especially an old guy who wears tank tops tucked into his pants with a cell phone holstered to his belt.  The epitome of uncool dad style.

Even if we believed him, nobody would be on his side anyway.

SHUT UP BILLY RAY

Billy Ray Cyrus is weeping to anyone who will read the latest issue of GQ magazine saying that he's "scared" for his daughter Miley and that Hannah Montana ruined their lives.  OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

Here are some of his Michael Lohan-ish quotes that were said from his 90's "Achy Breaky Heart" home in Tennessee, where he now lives all alone (probably because of that whole divorce thing):

Setting shit as straight as his flat-ironed hair: "For the record, to set it straight, I want to tell you: I've never made a dime off of Miley. You got a lot of people have made percentages off of her. I'm proud to say to this day I've never made one commissioned dollar, or dime, off of my daughter."  Starring in her TV show doesn't count as making money off her??

On how Billy Ray is sort of like Jesus (NOT): "Every time something happened in Miley's career, every time the train went off the track, if you will— Vanity Fair, pole-dancing, whatever scandal it was —her people, or as they say in today's news, her handlers, every time they'd put me... 'Somebody's shooting at Miley! Put the old man up there!' Well, I took it, because I'm her daddy, and that's what daddies do. 'Okay, nail me to the cross, I'll take it....'"  My hero.

Pretty much he's a victim: "All those people around, they used me every time. It became so obvious that, man, no matter what happens, they're going to put you up there and let you take the bullet."

Why he RSVP'd 'Not Attending' to Miley's 18th birthday: "You know why I didn't go? Because they were having it in a bar. It was wrong. It was for 21 years old and up. Once again all them people, they all wanted me to fly out so that then when all the bad press came they could say, 'Daddy endorsed this stuff....' I started realizing I'm being used. If I would have went out there I would have been right in the middle of all this stuff that's going on right now with the bong. They'd be hanging it on my ass. I had the common sense... I said, 'This whole thing's falling apart up there and they just want to blame all of this stuff on you again.' I'm staying out of it."  Yet you'll tell everyone about it.

Disney-hating and whining about making in a week what some people only make in 6 months: "I knew I was working for peanuts. I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I know the difference. I went from $12,000 a week to, after four years and the millions that they make, $15,000 a week. Hell, yeah."  You poor thing.

On his parenting skillz: "How many interviews did I give and say, 'You know what's important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids'? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, 'You don't need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.' Well, I'm the first guy to say to them right now: You were right. I should have been a better parent. I should have said, 'Enough is enough—it's getting dangerous and somebody's going to get hurt.' I should have, but I didn't. Honestly, I didn't know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere."

On his acting skillz: "Season four, it was a disaster. I was going to work every single day knowing that my family had fallen apart, but yet I had to sit in front of that camera. I look back and I go, How did I ever make it through that? I must be a better actor than I thought."  Guaranteed you're the only person who thinks that.

Lying about not realizing how ridiculous his hair looks: "I swear I didn't realize it until recently when I went, 'Holy crap—I've lived the last five years with Geronimo's hairdo.'" Who??

Who knows what the status of the father-daughter relationship is now, but just before Christmas (when this interview was conducted) Billy Ray hadn't talked to Miley since before the whole bong thing: "You know, it seems at this point there's not a lot that I can say she doesn't already know. And of course I've sent her the texts of 'I'm here if you need me,' 'Always still love you,' those kind of things."  'Can we do a movie together?  Hannah Montana 2?'

His fears: "I'm scared for her. She's got a lot of people around her that's putting her in a great deal of danger. I know she's 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I'd like to try to help. Take care of her just a little bit, to at least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm. Stop the insanity just for a minute. When you go through what she's been through, it takes a beating on you. And there comes a point where you just got to step back. That's how I ended up out here."

Umm and apparently Billy Ray is already predicting Miley's death: "Kurt [Cobain] was one of those guys. That's why I'm concerned about Miley. I think that his world was just spinning so fast and he had so many people around him that didn't help him. Like Anna Nicole Smith— you could see that train wreck coming. I was actually trying to reach out to Anna Nicole Smith, because I kept telling Tish and everybody around me, going, 'This is a disaster.' Michael Jackson— I was trying to reach out to Michael Jackson. I knew he had kids, and I was going to invite his kids down to a taping of Hannah —I just felt it would be good for Michael. I don't know why."

He also is certain his family is under attack by Satan: "I think we are right now. No doubt. There's no doubt about it."  The devil has more important lives to ruin...

Plus, Hannah Montana fucked everything up: "Oh, it's huge—it destroyed my family. I'll tell you right now—the damn show destroyed my family. And I sit there and go, 'Yeah, you know what? Some gave all.' It is my motto, and guess what? I have to eat that one. I some-gave-all'd it all right. I some-gave-all'd it while everybody else was going to the bank. It's all sad."

Finally, how Billy Ray wishes he could pull a takesies backsies on that show: "I hate to say it, but yes, I do. Yeah. I'd take it back in a second. For my family to be here and just be everybody okay, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I'd erase it all in a second if I could."

Oh also, his upcoming album has been put off... WHAT??  WHY...



P.S. this interview is for sure going to get your daughter to start talking to you again... and your wife is totally going to run right back into your armband tattooed arms.  No seriously, you probably thought your life couldn't get any worse... and you just made it happen.  Why are you talking??

Carrie Underwood is a snob

I've never been more annoyed at Carrie Underwood.



The country singer is trying to convince everyone she just loooves being a hockey wife and jet-setting to see her husb play in the NHL, but I have a feeling she's a nightmare to travel with.

Today in an interview, Carrie told a radio station (via US Weekly) that on a recent stop in Montreal, their rental car got broken into.  That's unfortunate, yes, but what she said next is only hurting herself... She goes, "So that was fun. I am not going back to Montreal."



Oh cool, so you're never going to play a concert in Montreal then, the second-largest city in Canada?  That would be like saying, "I'm never going back to L.A."  Way to alienate your MTL fans by judging them on ONE incident that happened in their city, stupid.



Plus you have no idea what you're missing, Underwood... Montreal is one of the most beautiful and historic cities in Canada.  And now I HOPE Mike Fisher gets his ass traded from Ottawa to there!  Deal with that, snotface.

NO MEANS NO

Michael Lohan is officially a certified psycho.

TMZ is reporting the father of Lindsay Lohan is planning to fuck with his own sobriety and purposely fall off the wagon so he can check himself into the same rehab facility his daughter is at.  He's even planning to stage his own arrest to prove his love for Lindsay.  Fucking lunatic.



This is bordering on abuse now.  Look Mike, Lindsay has made it clear she doesn't want you around her.  If she's ever going to get better, you need to stay the hell away from her.  You're part of the reason she's such a freakin' mess.



Going to these extreme measures to end up in the same place as her is a) stalkerish b) only going to freak her out and c) will most definitely put her recovery in danger.  The exact opposite of what you claim you want for your daughter.  Plus, she's already in rehab, dumbass, stop interfering.  I think the PROFESSIONALS at the Betty Ford Clinic will be able to help her 100x better than you ever will.



And don't you have a record?  You could get your ass thrown in jail for years for this, you idiot!  Wait-- go ahead and get yourself arrested...

Get over it Bolton

Michael Bolton is STILL whining about how judge Bruno Tonioli hurt his wittle feelings on Dancing With The Stars...

People quotes old Boltsy as saying, "Bruno should search his soul for what he is doing on that show."



Fuck, get off it.  You're like every American Idol contestant who would complain that Simon Cowell was too harsh on them for "no reason" and refused to believe they suck at singing.  Bruno is a judge who is doing his JOB.  You might not like what he has to say (the truth), but that's the risk you take for putting yourself in that situation.  Now you just look like a complete puss-wuss for continuing to bring it up.



You COULD take responsibility for your performance and admit you could have done better.  You could ALSO be humble and laugh at yourself.  But no, you're actually pushing the blame on someone else and suggesting they look into "soul searching"?  Is this beginnings of your next cheesy ballod?  Do you think celebrities who can't dance deserve to be coddled or some shit??



Michael says he's also afraid that in the future, celebrities will think twice about competing on upcoming seasons of the show because Bruno was a meanie-weenie to him.  Dude, don't worry about it.  Washed-up celebs will always be willing to embarrass themselves on this show.

We've got a screamer

Look, I may not know what it's like to get tattooed on my back, but I do know what it's like to get tattooed on the wrist, ankle, and foot.  Sure, I might have dropped a few F-bombs during the process... but it was NOTHING like this dramatic old hag.  And I even consider myself somewhat of a weakling.  Well, not anymore.



P.S. aren't tattoo artists NOT supposed to work on drunky drunks?







Ugh, gawd.  I would hate to see her get waxed.  Or worse... give birth.

Juice boxes make you gay

That's what this demented radio host is trying to make you believe anyway.  The shit that comes out of people's mouths...







OH MY GOD.  I DO feel like putting lipstick on every time after I drink my little juices!