Kirstie Alley loses Dancing With The Stars

What gives? I didn't watch this season of Dancing With The Stars yet I was still attached to the possible outcome of Kirstie Alley winning the damn thing. For all the cougars!!



Instead, in a horrible, horrible mistake (I'm kidding, don't send your Grandma after me), NFL player Hines Ward was given the sparkly disco ball they call a trophy. I'm sure he deserved it and I'm sure he can definitely bust a move and everything. It's just totally not fair though because he has all that practice with victory dances in football...

And in the end, Kirstie says she like felt she's a winner too or whatever. The 60-year-old actress tweets, "don't be upset about us not winning for long.... I won so much in the last 13 weeks that it would take hours to convey...LOVE." Yes, she won a smaller booty but I'm sure she's talking about her deeeeep friendship with Maksim Chmerkovskiy.



P.S. Charlie Sheen better be on the next season of DWTS.

Kirstie pulls a Cinderella

Kirstie Alley lost a shoe halfway through her performance on Dancing With The Stars last night.  Girl, you need some velcro.







In case you were wondering, the lyrics to that song are:



"Uhhhweeeooohhh. Whaaa jasma ah ah ah ah achhhuuu. Freeeee whahhhhshhh. Laaaa. Sweeeee weeeahhh liiii ahahaha."  And repeat.

Kirstie Alley gets dropped on DWTS

The beginning of this Dancing With The Stars clip from last night starts with Tom Bergeron doing a little girl skippity skip.  Replay that a couple of times, then skip ahead to 2:35 to see Maks Chmerkovskiy drop his beloved Kirstie Alley on the floor.  (Seriously, they should hook up he's all over her.)



But of course all these assholes are going on about it like it has anything to do with weight.  Don't you sometimes just get a cramp?  This guy is made of muscle, he could lift Kirstie and spin her around on one finger if he wanted to...







Pfft... That wasn't nearly as bad as the time I was at a dance competition in high school, did a high-kick, and kicked myself in the head.  Still won Gold though.  You know it!

Kirstie Alley on DWTS

There was only ONE good thing about the most boring premiere of Dancing With The Stars ever, and her name is Kirstie Alley.  Or 'Kristy Allen' as I heard some news broad on the radio call her... Who the hell is Kristy Allen?







You know she's not really striving for that junky mirror-ball trophy, she's dancing for the title of "M.I.L.F."  Proof (via People): afterward she was joking about banging all her son's friends.  Ha, I love her.



As if Kirstie is losing this thing though.  She scored well, she's relatable, and she is just so likable... and seriously, the fat jokes are getting old.  Shut up.  THIS WOMAN IS 60!!  She's got it going on for 60.



P.S. And is it just me or is Brooke Burke more dead behind the eyes than ever this year?  I can't blame her though, she's got to be bored with all these nobodies...

Dancing With The Stars season 12 cast

Dancing With The Stars has revealed their season 12 cast... It includes some of the least famous people I can think of.

• Chelsea Kane: a Disney ho who isn't Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato or Selena Gomez.


• Chris Jericho: a WWF (WWE) wrestler from the late 90's/early 2000's who has actually smelled what The Rock was cooking.  Example.  And yes, he's cut his hair since...


• Hines Ward: an NFL player who is on that "Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow" team.


• Kendra Wilkinson: Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriend, wife, mother, and has the worst intro to a reality show ever.  See?


• Kirstie Alley: actress from Cheers, Look Who's Talking, It Takes Two, Veronica's Closet, etc.  No longer Jenny Craig's bitch.


• Mike Catherwood: Dr. Drew's bitch... well, his radio co-host on Loveline.


• Petra Nemcova: supermodel and a do-gooder so it's hard to hate her.


• Ralph Macchio: the Karate Kid who isn't Will Smith's son...


• Romeo: the son of an old school rapper who isn't Will Smith.


• Sugar Ray Leonard: a boxer and sports broadcaster. I won't say anything sassy about him cuz he can kick ass.


• Wendy Williams: BET talk show host... will need the tallest dance partner available.

Season 12 of DWTS premieres Monday, March 21 and I'm so canceling my season pass on TiVo for this losing bunch...

Lindsay Lohan in talks to do DWTS

This story is coming from RadarOnline so it COULD be total bullshit.  But they are reporting Lindsay Lohan and Dancing With The Stars producers are discussing the possibility of her doing the show...

Of course, nothing will be confirmed until next year when next season's cast is announced, and I'd be shocked if she is even ready for such a commitment.  But if LiLo DOES do it, please tell me she'll be dancing to "Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter To Father)".







DWTS would sooo be up for that cheese.

Richest reality stars

Seriously... why waste your money on petty things like an education when you can just grow up to be on reality television and make millions every year?  Fuck school!



The Daily Beast has come out with the list of the top-earning reality stars of 2010, and yes it will make you feel poor and shitty.

1. Kim Kardashian $6 million - the girl whores herself out for any product, including credit card scams... She'll also show up pretty much anywhere you want if you've got $75,000 to cover her outrageous appearance fee.  Plus she "wrote" a book with her less famous sisters.


2. Lauren Conrad $5 million - even though she's not on The Hills anymore, she'll be back on reality TV soon with her new show.  Take THAT Kristin Cavallari.  In the meantime, she's making her cheese from her fashion line and she also "writes" books.


3. Bethenny Frankel $4 million - I can't even tell you which Real Housewives show this woman is on, yet somehow she's making all this coin??  Apparently she has her own spinoff and surprise surprise... she's a "writer".  Her books are about how to get skinny without barfing.  She's also a contestant on Skating With The Stars.  Yeah, not even famous enough for Dancing With The Stars!


4. Audrina Patridge $3.5 million - This Hills star turned Dancing With The Stars contestant has her own reality show coming out next year so watch it LC... Plus she models on the side.  Finally, someone who doesn't have a book! 


5. Kate Gosselin $3.5 million - Oh look, another "author".  This broad has four books and twice as many children.  She pulls in $250,000 per episode of Kate Plus Eight.  And just like you won't find Jon Gosselin on TLC anymore, you won't find him on this list either.  Sucka.


6. Mike "The Situation" $3 million - (By the way, I'm impressed the first five people on this list are women!)  It's been just over a year since we first went "WTF is this mess on MTV?" and this guy is laughing all the way to the bank... in his Bentley.  Dude has a book of course, a rap "song", an iPhone app, plus he's working on a bunch of other random shit so that he will be ballin' long after Jersey Shore ends...


7. Khloe Kardashian $2.5 million - Does this include the allowance her rich ass Lakers husband gives her?  Pretty much she's loaded for the same reasons her much more famous sister, but she would be making $3.5 extra million if her name was Kim... Just sayin'.


8. Kourtney Kardashian $2.5 million - She's the Kardashian sister with the baby.  Hopefully he'll grow up to take over Keeping Up With The Kardashians (or the Disicks, whatever...) and make fat stacks just like Mommy!  (The best part is that the mother of these three chicks demands a cut of their profit!  And she has 2 younger daughters next in line... Set. For. Life.)


9. DJ Pauly D $2 million - this Jersey Shore star was DJing long before the MTV show premiered, but no way in hell he ever made $40,000 per night before!  His own song "Beat Dat Beat" is actually catchy...  Plus he and Audrina are the only people on this list who don't have books... yet.  Oh yeah, he also said I sound "hott" on the phone!  Haha, check my interview with him from October HERE.


10. Kendra Wilkinson $2 million - This Girls Next Door star managed to land her own spinoff, marry a dude her own age(ish), start a family, and nooo way... write a book!!  But part of the reason this Playboy model made so much over the last year is from the money she received from her sex tape with an ex-boyfriend!  Shocker.

Now that you know... go on now with your low-paying meaningful job that actually makes a difference.

Jennifer Grey wins DWTS season 11

It was down to Jennifer Grey, Kyle Massey, and Bristol Palin on the Dancing With The Stars finale last night... and it was the Dirty Dancing actress who was named the winner.

Grey was definitely the early favorite, but with viewers keeping the much less talented Bristol Palin in the running week after week, some were nervous she would win it all.  It even got to the point where the "teen activist" was getting sent death threats.  It's a TV SHOW you freaks!!



Listen, you may not like Bristol but if she did win I was prepared to write this:

People were upset last year when Nicole Scherzinger won DWTS last season because they thought she had an unfair advantage... that being that she is the lead singer in the group the Pussycat Dolls who DANCE just as much as they sing.  But now people are upset that Bristol Palin, a girl with NO dance experience improved little by little each week to win it??



Isn't that what Dancing With The Stars is about??  It's not Dancing With The Professional Dancers for a reason...

That said, of course now we know that Bristol didn't end up winning... she got third place instead.  And yes it WAS fair she made it that far.  Even if you thought someone else who was eliminated before her deserved it more, their sorry asses didn't get the votes!  That's half the battle.  It's just as much a popularity contest as it is a dancing contest.  I guess it's just that nobody thought Bristol Palin was that popular ha ha.

And I DO think even with Jennifer Grey's dance history, it was still fair she was voted the winner this season... because Dirty Dancing was back in 1987, yo.  Listen, I was a competitive dancer growing up and even taught dance up until 4 years ago... Now, since I haven't practiced in years, I've definitely lost my skill.  It's like anything else, you need to keep it up.  So yes, Jennifer Grey HAD danced before, but she wasn't walking into this competition as Baby fresh off the Swayze lift, mkay?

Okay now get on with your life!  Until Dancing With The Stars returns in like half a second...

Bristol Palin makes final three on DWTS

Somebody is voting for Bristol Palin on Dancing With The Stars... so much so that the "teen activist" has made it into the final fucking three!  She only has to knock off Dirty Dancing actress Jennifer Grey and Disney star Kyle Massey in order to win next week.  Yes, R&B singer Brandy was unfairly given the boot last night.

If this upsets the hell out of you, you're not alone...



A 66-year-old man in Wisconsin was so enraged watching B-Palin dance on Monday's performance show that he shot his fucking television set!  Okay Elvis...

According to the Smoking Gun, Steven Cowan's wife called police Monday evening reporting that her husband had pulled out and fired a shotgun at the TV and was threatening to kill himself too.  You're gonna KILL yourself over Dancing With The Damn Stars??  He was said to be uttering words like, "Fucking politics!"  HAHA, not a Sarah Palin fan either then, are we?



It took 15-hour standoff with the cops before the hardcore DWTS viewer surrendered and his ass has been sitting in jail since 11am Tuesday.  Mr. Cowan obviously doesn't have access to a TV in there since that shit clearly sets him off... so he has NO IDEA Bristol Palin made it to the final three!



Ahhh!  He can never know!  Can you imagine what he will do if he finds out??  And what if she WINS?!  Omg, I can't even go there...

The worst PSA for safe sex I've ever seen

I have no idea what the fuck this PSA starring Bristol Palin and Mike "The Situation" from Dancing With The Stars is about... Is it for safe sex or for abstinence?



Whatever it is... Not only is the message not coming across, but it's NOT FUNNY either:







Oh I just figured it out!  It's for Sarah Palin for President in 2012.

Audrina eliminated from DWTS

This is an abomination in the Obama nation!  How is that stiff, rhythmless monkey Bristol Palin is still in the running on Dancing With The Stars yet Audrina Patridge, the first contestant to receive a perfect 10 from the judges, is not?

Despite tying for second place going into the results show last night, The Hills star received the lowest overall score with her performance thanks to the viewers.  Actually, NO thanks to the viewers.  Don't you listen to anything Brooke Burke says when she's urging you to vote??



Before this extreme act of irresponsibility, Audrina was considered one of just a few "to beat" and DWTS is even going as far to call it a "shocking" elimination.  But I think they say that every week... because it's shocking that "teen activist" Bristol is still in the competition.



P.S. I co-sign everything Audrina's drunk mom is saying in this video:

The Situation voted off DWTS

Oh nooo!  The fourth contestant to be voted off Dancing With The Stars this season is Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino.

After Monday night's acoustic Argentine tango, the Jersey Shore star and his professional partner Karina Smirnoff were given three 4s (12/30) by the judges for technical score.  The performance score wasn’t much better with a 16/30.  In total they received a 28/60.  In comparison, Jennifer Grey and her professional partner Derek Hough were in the lead with 56/60.



The Situation made it clear he was not happy with his score, and the fans didn't come through to save him in the end either.  Shame.  He was SO the Kate Gosselin of last season... What's the point of watching now??

Get over it Bolton

Michael Bolton is STILL whining about how judge Bruno Tonioli hurt his wittle feelings on Dancing With The Stars...

People quotes old Boltsy as saying, "Bruno should search his soul for what he is doing on that show."



Fuck, get off it.  You're like every American Idol contestant who would complain that Simon Cowell was too harsh on them for "no reason" and refused to believe they suck at singing.  Bruno is a judge who is doing his JOB.  You might not like what he has to say (the truth), but that's the risk you take for putting yourself in that situation.  Now you just look like a complete puss-wuss for continuing to bring it up.



You COULD take responsibility for your performance and admit you could have done better.  You could ALSO be humble and laugh at yourself.  But no, you're actually pushing the blame on someone else and suggesting they look into "soul searching"?  Is this beginnings of your next cheesy ballod?  Do you think celebrities who can't dance deserve to be coddled or some shit??



Michael says he's also afraid that in the future, celebrities will think twice about competing on upcoming seasons of the show because Bruno was a meanie-weenie to him.  Dude, don't worry about it.  Washed-up celebs will always be willing to embarrass themselves on this show.

Michael Bolton kicked off DWTS

Michael Bolton and his man-earring are the latest to be kicked off Dancing With The Stars.

After receiving scores of 3, 4, and 5 from the judges on Monday night for his stiffy jive, judge Bruno (the giver of the measly trois) called it the worst he had ever seen.  From there, the viewer votes didn't help old Mike out much but I don't think it was JUST because he's a horrible dancer... it's also because he has a horrible personality.  The guy was whiny, boring, and snotty to his professional partner Chelsie Hightower.  Nobody likes that.



Bolts also proved his whinyness when he told host Brooke Burke before he got the boot, "Last night, Bruno was inappropriate and disrespectful. Other than that, it was a phenomenal experience."



Shut-uppp.  The guy is obviously used to having his ego stroked.  You're a shitty dancer, deal with it.  At least you have an actual talent to fall back on after the show (singing)... that's more than most of those "stars" can say.

The Hoff is voted off Dancing With The Stars

Ohhh this is tooooo bad...  David Hasselhoff has been the first contestant eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.

The former America's Got Talent judge found his talentless self in a three-way tie for the lowest judges score on Monday night after his stiff, old-man cha cha to Tom Jones' "Sex Bomb"... Honestly, it was a little disgusting.  And by "a little" I mean completely.



Last night, it was revealed that 21 million viewers weren't turned on either, and The Hoff received the lowest amount of votes.  Well, I don't mean to be a bitch (yes I do) but he didn't earn ANYONE'S vote after that sorry line he delivered when he and his partner Kym finished their dance and went backstage...



He was all, "If we go out, we go out in a blaze of glory. And we're already wearing black for our funeral. If we go out, we go out. Hoff to heaven."



HOFF TO HEAVEN.  FOR REAL.  You deserve what you got.