Cart Wheelminster Abbey

After the wedding of William and Kate (I will not call them Duke and Dutchess, that's a title for old, hag-looking people), some guy who works for Westminster Abbey was BUSTED doing cartwheels down the aisle. SINNER!







The man has been identified as Ben Sheward, a verger for 10 years, according to the Daily Mail UK, and wasn't looking to gain any publicity. I guess he thought the cameras were turned off by that point but sneaky little ITV kept theirs rolling which was still streaming live to millions. Shortly after, this clip appeared on YouTube and now the amateur gymnast is a twirly whirly internet star.



One spokesperson for Westminster Abbey sees the light-heartedness in all of this commenting, "The verger, like all of us, was very pleased the service had gone according to plan, and was expressing his exuberance."



But some other stuffy asshole was all: "We are just trying to keep a lid on this one. The verger has been spoken to a number of times and has been advised how to handle the situation."



Honestly, you act like the "situation" is that he straight popped a shit on the red carpet.



Rumor has it, Sheward is said to be feeling guilty as fuck over his display of pure talent and Abbey staff have warned him not to speak publicly about it... The extreme version of the story-- He's in HIDING. Nooo, don't lock your mad skillz away from the world!!



Is he actually being scolded for a couple of cartwheels though? What-- God doesn't like cartwheels? Should he go to confession, beg for forgiveness, do two Hail Marys (one for each cartwheel) and then maybe he won't go to Hell? He should be praised for his sick moves, not punished. However, it's been said that he's unlikely to face any official disciplinary action. PHEW! So you can put that belt away, Queen Elizabeth.



WHATEVER, this guy will be yesterday's news as soon as video of royal stepmother Camilla Parker Bowles doing The Worm at the wedding reception is leaked online.



You're totally going to look up the word 'verger' now aren't you?

Royal Wedding

The day finally arrived today where Prince William and Kate Middleton were married in front of, rumor has it, 2 billion viewers. And nothing really went wrong except for this unfortunate looking photo (via TMZ):

Cover your eyes child, not your ears!



Other than that little "things aren't what they seem" moment, this historic event was what Disney makes princess movies about... If Disney movies were 5 hours long. Don't judge me, I watched and loved every minute!-- Well except for Katie Couric's annoying as hell commentary on CBS and all those hymns and prayers. Sorry I can't.



Aside from the LURVE, the fashion was the best part hands down! I'm pretty sure the invitation read, "all women MUST wear a hat by order of the Queen" and they were all fucking glorious. Even cousin to the groom, Princess Beatrice's.

Seriously, does she have the same hat-maker as Lady Gaga?



Moving along...



Willie looked so handsome in his red uniform, but it was really sad when he had to take his hat off and reveal his thinning hair situation... But thankfully Prince Harry was there to step in as the hot prince.

Kate's sister Pippa had the most gorgeous bridesmaid dress I've ever seen... but it was obviously the BRIDE who was the most stunning of all.

 

I didn't even think I liked wedding dresses with long sleeves, but she looks amazing.



However, I now know I don't like yellow dresses. The Queen looks like a stick of buttah. And would it kill her to smile?

Please don't chop my head off...

Prince William has had his bachelor party

Unless he pulls a Prince Charles and cheats with some swamp donkey, Prince William has had his last night of freedom...

According to The Telegraph in the UK, the bachelor party has already come and gone.  A royal family insider says, "I can confirm that Prince William's stag party happened this weekend. It was an entirely private event and we don't intend to make any further comment."



Seems a little early since William and Kate Middleton are to be married on April 29, but I guess he had other shit to do leading up to it.



The only details of the party that have been leaked are that it supposedly went down at a friend's country estate outside of London with about 20 all-male guests, and obviously it was thrown by William's brother/best man, Prince Harry.  BORING!

Now I'm forced to make up rumors...

• William was blindfolded and made to believe he had been kidnapped and held for ransom to be paid off by the royal family. He started crying. SURPRISE!  It's just a bachelor party!!


• He was then strapped to a ball and chain, but since he's a prince, it was made of gold, covered in jewels and had a tiny crown.


• There was a stripper named Destiny, because that's every stripper's name. She went all Disney Princess gone bad theme. Prince Harry sloppily proposed to her with Kate's ring.


• The groom was forced into a lap dance... by his grandmother, the Queen.


• Will did one shot of tequila and immediately threw up. He stuck to sparkling apple juice for the rest of the night.


• Harry got loser drunk, as per usual. He peed in a closet mistaking it for a bathroom and ate a cigar thinking it was an overcooked hotdog before passing out in a bathtub.


• And all the drink straws were shaped like little penises... WAIT-- that's for the BachelorETTE party, sorry!

Now run and tell THAT.

Prince Charles attacked!

Yes it SUCKS that tuition just got majorly raised in the UK, and obviously the students must blame it on the upcoming royal wedding or something... because they have lashed out at Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.



People reports the old Prince and his wifey were on their way to an "engagement" tonight, having a lovely drive in their Rolls Royce through the London shopping district when protesters started kicking the car and cracked a window.  And then white paint was thrown!  Noooo...

Probably shouldn't have been flaunting your Rolls Royce in front of starving, angry students though but still... not cool.  Doesn't the government make these decisions??  Prince Charles didn't have anything to do with this shit!



Anyway, the best part of this story is the statement from the Prince's rep who says, "We can confirm that their Royal Highnesses' car was attacked by protesters on the way to their engagement at the London Palladium this evening," WAIT FOR IT... "Their Royal Highnesses are unharmed."



HAHA you got that?  Their royal hineys are just fine, okay?

Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People

Barbara Walters has revealed who will be appearing in her annual Most Fascinating People special this year, that is except for the #1 pick of course... and the #2 apparently...

On the 2010 list:

• Kate Middleton: about to wear a big ass wedding gown as Prince William's wifey to be.


• Sandra Bullock: picked up an Oscar, a baby, and dropped a husband all in the span of a few months.


• Justin Bieber: teen popstar, nail polish designer, and hair inspiration for young men everywhere.


• Sarah Palin: now known as Bristol Palin's mom.


• LeBron James: the reason Cleveland cries at night.


• Jennifer Lopez: an extremely overpaid new American Idol judge.


• Betty White: self-explan... just a true gem of a woman.


• The cast of Jersey Shore: a group of young adults destined to get diagnosed with either skin cancer or liver disease... Or incurable STDs.

Hmmm, so that's only 8 which means 2 more will be revealed on the special on December 9th.  It will so be the Old Spice Guy and Conan O'Brien.



But for the last 5 years, the #1 most fascinating person of the year has been a woman...



2009: Michelle Obama

2008: Tina Fey

2007: J.K. Rowling

2006: Nancy Pelosi

2005: Camilla Parker Bowles.



Isn't Lady Gaga this year too obvious of a choice??

Prince William and Kate set a date

In honor of this upcoming royal wedding, I will use as many British sounding words in this post as possible.  Even if it doesn't make sense.  ESPECIALLY if it doesn't make sense.

Here we go, PIP PIP CHEERIO!  (Yes, I'm talking 1930's Brit...)



Prince William and his COMMONER girlfriend Catherine Middleton are very KEEN on a wedding date of Friday, April 29, 2011.  The BETROTHED couple have also chosen Westminster Abbey as their destination, which is much more PROPER than their original intent to marry in their FLAT.



The BBC reports the Royal Family and the Middletons will be paying for the wedding with taxpayers dishing out extra POUNDS for the added security.



William is set to wear TROUSERS while Kate is hoping to get away without wearing any KNICKERS.  They are already rehearsing their first SNOG as man and wife and yes, there will be tongue.  Unless, of course, they're involved in a ROW, which then they will be much less inclined to make out.



Dinner will be upstairs so you must take the LIFT if you're planning on enjoying your BANGERS AND MASH.  Children will be served CHIPS.  Please take your FAGS outside though as there is no smoking in WestMinster Abbey, understood?  And don't even try to sneak one into the LOO because they are equipped with highly sensitive smoke detectors.



The wedding will end at around midnight, then everyone will be asked to BUGGER OFF.



That's all for now.  CHEERS!

Prince William gets engaged

After 8 years of dating (off and on), People (and the whole damn world) reports Prince William and Kate Middleton have gotten engaged.



The proposal happened while the two were vacationing in Kenya last month... but the official announcement came today along with a Q&A session which included a shit ton of frantic photographers.







If you thought that was bad, wait until the wedding... which is expected to be in the spring or summer of 2011.



Already the upcoming event is being compared to the 1981 lavish royal wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, but this time, thanks to YouTube and PVRs 30 years later... we won't have to stay up all night to watch it.



And the cutest part... is that Prince William gave Kate his mother's engagement ring!

Some judgey people are saying the ring is a curse (since Charles cheated on Diana and later they divorced) but for William it was important that his late-mother be apart of it in some way.  Awee!  *tear*



True, most women wouldn't like to have to wear their mother-in-law's ring but it was PRINCESS DIANA.  Don't act like you wouldn't want it!  Oh and stop comparing this poor girl to her please...