A shitload of celebrity arrests

What is the deal lately? A bunch of has-beens have all been arrested in the past couple of days...

Rick Springfield - pulled over while driving with a blood alcohol level of .10. Held back tears for his mugshot. He hasn't cried this much since he was pining over "Jessie's Girl". Stalker.

Flavor Flav - a cop who pulled him over discovered he had four warrants out for his arrest for other traffic related issues. How are there FOUR warrants out for Flav's arrest and it took this long to find him? It's not like he blends in...

Andy Dick - drunk in public. What else is new?

Plus TMZ reports the very first Survivor champion / recently fired Celebrity Apprentice contestant, Richard Hatch, has started another prison sentence which stems back from failing to pay taxes on his million dollar winnings in 2000. How many times do you have to go to jail for this kind of thing? Dude is probably broke as hell after paying all these legal bills. What a waste.

NAKED FOR NOTHING!

Explanation please.

What the hell is this about?  Failed Bachelor/Dancing With The Stars loser/pilot/actor-wannabe Jake Pavelka hanging with The Hills star/failed singer/plastic surgery gone wrong'd Heidi Montag and some Real Housewives quitter with a sex tape? (Danielle Staub...) AND some other guy I don't know??

According to People, their sorry asses have come together for a new VH1 reality show where they will revamp a slummy restaurant or whatever in just 28 days.  As if any of them actually know shit about renovations.  I'm assuming it's gonna go something like this:



JAKE: "Dibs on decorating committee! This place needs more long-stemmed roses. Golly!"

HEIDI: "I WOULD be a waitress but like I can barely walk without toppling over, I don't want to like break any dishes..."

DANIELLE: "I'll have my maid do everything. Who wants to see me naked?"

OTHER GUY: "Thanks for letting me be here guys."

HEIDI: "Yeah, like who are you? Do you know LC? Can you tell her I miss herrr?"

JAKE: "Will you accept this rose?"



I guess this is what reality stars stoop to when Donald Trump and Dr. Drew won't take them...

Meat Loaf = snap show

Want to seem crazier than Gary Busey?  Just snap on him over art supplies like a 5-year-old child throwing a temper tantrum in finger-painting class.  Except you're not 5-years-old, you're 63.  "You stole my colorsss!"



On last night's Celebrity Apprentice, Meat Loaf succeeded at the impossible... making Gary Busey look good.  The rock star accused the actor of stealing his paints and shit as they were about to make paintings for charity but OOPS, turns out Gary didn't take it... raging dumbass Meat just lost his bag of supplies.  Uh duhhr.







Well, his name IS Meat Loaf.  You gotta have issues to seriously call yourself that.

Charlie Sheen to get a TLC special, and launches tour

Screw having multiple wives, a shitload of children, a wack addiction such as eating household cleaners, or being 1200 pounds... TLC is moving on to a new kind of crazy... Charlie Sheen.

The Los Angeles Times reports the network is planning a documentary about actor called Charlie Sheen: On The Brink.  It will feature everything from his deranged interviews to his online antics as of late which has only gotten worse since his ass got canned from the dying sitcom that is Two and a Half Men. He's also suing the show (of course he is...) Wait --I can't believe he got fired, what did he do??  Ohhh right.



In other news about this washed up loser on his death bed... He's launched a tour. (If you can call 2 shows an actual tour, but there's the opportunity for more or something like that.)  It's called My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option... so in other words, rambling from an unemployed nutcase.  Chicago and Detroit both sold out in under 20 minutes with tickets ranging from $35-$80.



Although it's not certain what the audience can expect, if it's anything like Charlie's UStream podcasts... they'll all be LOSING.

Lindsay's dad signs up for 'Celebrity Rehab'

Lindsay Lohan has done her first interview since rehab/jail/that mess that has been her life with some dude from Extra who is NOT Mario Lopez.







This shit was taped before news broke that her Dad has joined the next season of Celebrity Rehab but you don't need to see LiLo in an interview to know how she feels about that...



TMZ reports Michael Lohan, along with "actress" Bai Ling, former NY Mets pitcher Dwight 'Doc' Gooden, Jeremy Jackson (a.k.a. the guy who played 'Hobie' on Baywatch, his "Dad" David Hasselhoff should probably come too), plus The Real Housewives of D.C. stars (and alleged White House party crashers) husband and wife Tareq and Michaele Salahi have all signed on to star in Dr. Drew's reality series.



Way to give Lindsay more reason to jump off the sober train, Mike...

LC's new reality show gets canned

Before it's even begun, Lauren Conrad's new reality show has already been dumped by MTV.

The head of programming, David Janollari, tells Entertainment Weekly, "We decided not to go ahead with the show. She did do a pilot. There were talks about whether we could somehow manage to put together a special based on that footage but that’s also a big question mark based on her interest in that and the finances. We love her! We would love her on our network!”



But the former star of The Hills has a sassy little "I'm too good for this shit!" statement of her own that says, "We sold a show to MTV, filmed it and are really proud of the final result. MTV felt the subject matter was too high brow for their audience and offered me the opportunity to change the show by incorporating more of my personal life. We agreed going into the project that this show would be an aspirational one, focusing on my career and my goals and not my personal relationships. We delivered the show that we sold and are sorry MTV didn’t feel their viewers were savvy enough to appreciate it."



That's because their viewers want to see how drunken guidos deal with bloody buttholes.  Seriously, that was what Jersey Shore was about last night.

New Celebrity Apprentice cast revealed

Hollywood actors, famous musicians, a 'Real Houswife', and everyone else who isn't good enough for Dancing With The Stars are set to battle it out in the next season of Celebrity Apprentice.

Donald Trump tells People magazine he had to shoe-shoe away 35-40 people when casting for the 4th season shouting, "We really qualify people!"  He adds, "When we did the very first Celebrity Apprentice people didn't know whether to do it. But then everyone has seen all the winners have gone on to all these great things. Piers Morgan with CNN. Joan Rivers's career took off again. I can't turn on the TV without seeing Bret Michaels. He is the big superstar. They've all done so well."



The competition this year includes (and this is in no way in order of how cool they are):

• Mark McGrath (former frontman of 'Sugar Ray'/ ex-host of 'Extra'/ Mario Lopez-hater/ first person to perfect iced-tips...)


• NeNe Leakes (gossipy bitch from the ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’... like that really tells you which one she is...)


• Richard Hatch (the first winner of ‘Survivor’/ rocks out with his cock out... literally.)


• Star Jones (former co-host of ‘The View’/ likes to Payless for Shoes)


• Gary Busey (actor/ crazy person/ 'Best In Show' horsie)


• Niki Taylor (model/ easy/ breezy/ beautiful)


• Meatloaf (delicious rockstar)


• Latoya Jackson (one of the Jacksons who isn't Michael, Janet, or in the 'Five')


• David Cassidy (the Justin Bieber of the 70′s)


• Lisa Rinna (original "Billie" on Days Of Our Lives/ silicone abuser)


• Jose Canseco (retired baseball player)


• Dionne Warwick (old school singer from the 60′s/ Aretha's main competition)


• John Rich (part of the duo 'Big & Rich' responsible for that "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy" junk)


• Hope Dworaczyk (2010 Playboy Playmate of the Year)


• Lil Jon (rapper/ Shoutie McShouts-a-lot)


• Marlee Matlin (deaf Academy Award-winning actress... she can do anything! Including WIN 'Celebrity Apprentice'!)

The show premieres March 6 on NBC.  Don't underestimate Lil Jon... "OKAY!  WHAT?  YEAH!"

Head banger

Sooo, this happened on Paula Abdul's new reality-competition Live To Dance last night...







Yep, shit like that doesn't go down on American Idol, now does it?  You win Paula.  You win.

I sense a divorce coming...

Seriously, how many reality shows do these Kardashian people need?

US Weekly reports Khloe Kardashian and husband Lamar Odom are getting their own "Newlyweds-type" spinoff.  Uhhh are you stoops?  Hasn't every single couple with a "Newlyweds-type" reality show since gotten divorced?  Yes.  They have.



The yet-to-be-titled Keeping Up With The Kardashians spinoff (the third one and counting) is set to begin filming in the Spring.  Presumably, it will air on the E! channel.  DUH.  They should just change it to the K! channel already...

The Hasselhoffs is off

This sucks!  I didn't even get the chance to check out the crazy that is David Hasselhoff's new reality show and it's already canceled after only two episodes!  That man does NOT have luck with reality shows lately...

Less than a week after it premiered, A&E has announced they are cutting The Hasselhoffs due to the fact that NOBODY CARES.  People reports the first episode drew in about 700,000 viewers and the second only had 500,000.  Yeah, more people watch shows about oil painting than this junk.



I mean, what did David expect?  The show is about his two daughters Taylor Ann and Hayley trying to break into the music industry.  SORRY but nobody wants to support any more Hasselhoffs making "music"...

Richest reality stars

Seriously... why waste your money on petty things like an education when you can just grow up to be on reality television and make millions every year?  Fuck school!



The Daily Beast has come out with the list of the top-earning reality stars of 2010, and yes it will make you feel poor and shitty.

1. Kim Kardashian $6 million - the girl whores herself out for any product, including credit card scams... She'll also show up pretty much anywhere you want if you've got $75,000 to cover her outrageous appearance fee.  Plus she "wrote" a book with her less famous sisters.


2. Lauren Conrad $5 million - even though she's not on The Hills anymore, she'll be back on reality TV soon with her new show.  Take THAT Kristin Cavallari.  In the meantime, she's making her cheese from her fashion line and she also "writes" books.


3. Bethenny Frankel $4 million - I can't even tell you which Real Housewives show this woman is on, yet somehow she's making all this coin??  Apparently she has her own spinoff and surprise surprise... she's a "writer".  Her books are about how to get skinny without barfing.  She's also a contestant on Skating With The Stars.  Yeah, not even famous enough for Dancing With The Stars!


4. Audrina Patridge $3.5 million - This Hills star turned Dancing With The Stars contestant has her own reality show coming out next year so watch it LC... Plus she models on the side.  Finally, someone who doesn't have a book! 


5. Kate Gosselin $3.5 million - Oh look, another "author".  This broad has four books and twice as many children.  She pulls in $250,000 per episode of Kate Plus Eight.  And just like you won't find Jon Gosselin on TLC anymore, you won't find him on this list either.  Sucka.


6. Mike "The Situation" $3 million - (By the way, I'm impressed the first five people on this list are women!)  It's been just over a year since we first went "WTF is this mess on MTV?" and this guy is laughing all the way to the bank... in his Bentley.  Dude has a book of course, a rap "song", an iPhone app, plus he's working on a bunch of other random shit so that he will be ballin' long after Jersey Shore ends...


7. Khloe Kardashian $2.5 million - Does this include the allowance her rich ass Lakers husband gives her?  Pretty much she's loaded for the same reasons her much more famous sister, but she would be making $3.5 extra million if her name was Kim... Just sayin'.


8. Kourtney Kardashian $2.5 million - She's the Kardashian sister with the baby.  Hopefully he'll grow up to take over Keeping Up With The Kardashians (or the Disicks, whatever...) and make fat stacks just like Mommy!  (The best part is that the mother of these three chicks demands a cut of their profit!  And she has 2 younger daughters next in line... Set. For. Life.)


9. DJ Pauly D $2 million - this Jersey Shore star was DJing long before the MTV show premiered, but no way in hell he ever made $40,000 per night before!  His own song "Beat Dat Beat" is actually catchy...  Plus he and Audrina are the only people on this list who don't have books... yet.  Oh yeah, he also said I sound "hott" on the phone!  Haha, check my interview with him from October HERE.


10. Kendra Wilkinson $2 million - This Girls Next Door star managed to land her own spinoff, marry a dude her own age(ish), start a family, and nooo way... write a book!!  But part of the reason this Playboy model made so much over the last year is from the money she received from her sex tape with an ex-boyfriend!  Shocker.

Now that you know... go on now with your low-paying meaningful job that actually makes a difference.

Canada's version of Jersey Shore

Oh my God Toronto, you're embarrassing... check out the upcoming knock-off version of Jersey Shore called Lake Shore.







First of all, why can't we be original?  Clearly you're trying to ride the coattails of Jersey Shore's success by doing it bigger but NOT better.  Instead of celebrating Toronto for it's mix of different cultures, Lake Shore is doing the exact opposite.  This clusterfuck of ignorant twats should be DROPPED in the goddamn lake, NOT getting rewarded with airtime to say dumb shit like this:

Robyn: "People will look up to me." (She let the producer motorboat her in her audition.)

Downtown D: "You can be gay as long as you don't get anywhere near me. You like it in the ass (laughs), take it in the ass brother."

Sibel: "I'm not racist because I hate everybody equally. Especially Jewish people."

It's simple.  There's a fine line between mindless entertainment and straight-up vulgarity.  Jersey Shore pushes the line while Lake Shore is taking a big fat shit on the line.  But what else would you expect from a film company called "THAT GUY" productions?  Seriously...

'The City' is canceled

Oh no... this is just too bad...  The Hills spinoff show The City has been canceled after only 2 seasons.

Whitney Port tells On-Air with Ryan Seacrest today, "Umm yeah, as of right now it really doesn't look like we're doing it anymore..."  She also says it's not going to another network either.  Who the hell would pick that shit up anyway??



The MTV star failed to say why her "reality" show has been canned, but it's probably because NOBODY WAS WATCHING.  Should have given The Hills spinoff to Speidi, but whatever...

Jon Gosselin wants his kids off TV

Jon Gosselin dragged his lazy ass to court this week to try to get a judge to ban his eight children from continuing to be on reality TV.  The judge said, "Sorry guy. I'm a fan of Kate Plus Eight. No dice."



So the d-bag daddy took to his Twitter @jongosselin1 (because @jongosselin is taken) to vent.  On US Weekly, they've complied his tweets into 4 huge ass paragraphs and honestly, I can't stand to read it so I'm guessing you can't either.  That's why I've made Bri edits.  It's educated guesses on what Jon's actually thinking as he's typing... and it's more fun this way!

Here we gooo:

As you may or may not be aware (probably NOT because nobody cares about me), I have been working for some time to remove my children from television. (And replace them with myself. I lurrrve being on TV!) I do not believe being on TV is beneficial to any of them (and by "them" I mean me.) They are no longer toddlers (I think?) that are oblivious (whoa, big word) to what is going on around them. They are now six and ten (again, I think...), in school (don't ask me what grades) and desperately in need of a normal life (like those Jersey Shore kids).



Each of them (wait... how many are there again?) has experienced negative effects of having their lives so public. Some are struggling with emotional and/or behavioral issues (but mostly Cara cuz she's a brat straight up, ya hearrd?) My goal for my children is for them to have a normal childhood, and gain back their much deserved privacy (unless the paparazzi is around cuz I will cash in, yo.) This is not about money (well, it is a little bit), this is about my children. No amount of money (well, that's not true) is worth the price my children are paying. You cannot put a price on childhood (actually I can). Money comes and goes, but you only have one childhood (unless you're a grown-up baby like me).



For those questions about money and support, I can say I am supporting my children to the best of my ability (I'm not at all). All parties (did someone say PARTY?!) involved know the truth about this. I am and have been actively seeking employment (on reality television). I have been barred from accepting entertainment deals that would generate income for my family due to contractual obligations (wait-- WHY am I trying to get my kids off TV again??) I am also actively looking for a job outside of the entertainment industry (no I'm not) and so far, have not secured a position. In the mean time, I have been focusing on spending time with my children (there's 8 of them, right?) and providing a safe, stable, normal and private environment for them!



On October 13, 2010 ( I just learned how to tell time... yay!), I went to court to act in the best interest of my children- to remove them from television (unless they let me back on). The judge respectfully denied my plea (even after I offered her the chance to blow me), and granted filming rights to their mother. I honor the judge’s decision (because she's cute), but I do not support it. I will not stop fighting to remove my children from television (until I can be on it tooooo!) It is not a child’s job to support themselves (yes it is), or a lifestyle (like paying for all my Ed Hardy shirts), they need to be kids (with bling). I would like to apologize to my friends, family, and especially my children for not taking a stand earlier in my life (a.k.a. I'm a pussy... meow) and not questioning my decisions to have our lives documented and displayed (My judgment was blurred by money. I love money. Money! MONEY!) I will have to answer to my children for the rest of my life (or abandon them... I'm considering it). I will have to live with this "guilt" the rest of my life (tee hee). I am truly sorry! (P.S. It's opposite day!)

Relax, nobody watches your ex-wife's stupid show anyway.

J-Biebz is the new Punk'd host

It was recently revealed that Justin Bieber makes $300,000 per concert so CLEARLY he is in need of a second job to make ends meet.



Deadline.com reports MTV is planning to revive their hit celebrity hidden-camera show Punk'd with the teen singer as the new host.  Take that Ashton Kutcher, you're old news now.

Actually Ashton will still act as executive producer... and they're expected to launch sometime next year.



Honestly, I'd rather see J-Biebz GET punk'd than be the host of Punk'd but whatever.

Cokehead has a new reality show

Paris Hilton is coming out with a new reality show that will focus on the "serious" side of her life... like getting off cocaine charges.



People reports the socialite is set to star in a yet-to-be-named series (Ooo! Ooo! Call it "Don't Waste Your Time"!) on Oxygen about her life and "work".

It will also co-star Paris's mother Kathy Hilton, Charlie Sheen's estranged wifey (I mean, that estranged thing usually happens after your husb attacks you with a knife) Brooke Mueller, as well as Fred Durst's ex-girlfriend (umm... can you excuse me for a moment... thanks... AHAHAHAHA!... OK I'm back) Jennifer Rovero, and some club promoter chick named Allison Melnick.



Yep, this sounds like absolute garbage.  Why not invite Rachel Uchitel, Dina Lohan, and Heidi Montag to be a part of it too??  Let's get all the idiots in Hollywood contained to one place.

Australia's Next Top Model... not

As Sarah Silverman would say... "There's awkward, there's awkWEIRD, and then there's this."



Watch as the host of Australia's Next Top Model announces the wrong name as the winner of the competition live on television... followed by letting the poor girl believe she won for about a minute while she thanks everybody before the host goes "whoopsie!"







The Huffington Post reports because of the mix-up, Kelsey will be sent to New York City and receive a $25,000 "please don't sue us for humiliation" prize.

Lauren Conrad returning to MTV

I knew she couldn't stay away...  The whole damn reason she's famous is because of reality TV, there was no way she was quitting for life.

Lauren Conrad has confirmed she will be starring in a new reality show on MTV, just months after The Hills, which she left in 2009, ended...  But this time she says, it will be different.  And no, her boyfriend actor Kyle Howard will not be appearing.



In a statement she says, "The new project will follow me as I develop my new contemporary line and also touch on my other businesses."



Wow... BORING!  I'm sorry LC, you're a very likable person... but in a world where Jersey Shore exists, you're going to have to step it up.  And that means getting slizzard and smushing on camera on a regular basis.