Will Ferrell shaves Conan's beardo

Will Ferrell is stupid busy lately. Not only is he saving The Office after Steve Carell peaced out, he's also shaving Conan O'Brien's beard off (that's a very important job) AND going mouth-to-mouth with John C. Reilly.



First, the face scraping:







Now for some material to get you in the mood... (photo via DListed):

Shake and Bake, baby.

Keep it to yo selves

I'm used to David Arquette's verbal diarrhea when it comes to his marriage with Courteney Cox being all full of problems and shit, but I didn't expect it from her??

The separated couple went on Howard Stern together today and the Scream 4 actress went off on her husb's erectile issues.  It's not that he has a problem getting it up... it's that he's ALWAYS hard.



She was all (via US Weekly), "This is one of our problems in our relationship. Whenever I would need consoling from David, he could not literally put his arm around me for one second without completely getting a boner."



As proof, she refers to the time her father had cancer saying, "[He] was like, 'Oh, I'm so sorry your Dad is dying. Can we fuck?'"



Courteney also revealed that he tried to sex her up in Disney World where they took their 6-year-old daughter Coco recently.  Better not have been in front of Mickey Mouse!  David tries to defend himself saying it was early in the morning (we all know what happens then) as he explains, "I'm always ready for [Courteney]," adding on a more serious level, "I know I'm more in touch with what she needs now... She takes one sort of thing and she clumps it [and says] that's what happens all the time in our relationship. It's not really true."

Courteney cuts in, "Disney World just wasn't the right time and I don't want to confuse the issue. We're going through a hard time."  She continues, "You can't count Disney World as the place where you know I'm not into you. I had just woken up. I don't think [sexual attraction] is the issue. The truth of the matter is that we love each other so much. We have such affection for each other but we are very different."



At one point David said to his wifey, who insists she hasn't gotten it on with anyone else since him, "I think you're over it, baby. You just need to admit it and we just need to figure out next steps."



This is the weirdest breakup.  I feel stressed out and I'm not even in this relationship!  Even they don't know what they are, which is a confusing mess.  David clearly wants back on that while Courteney is resentful as hell, yet can't let go.  It kind of seems like she's stringing him along as punishment.  I don't know, and I don't want to know, but they're the ones airing out their dirty laundry. And it STANKS.



So, since this is none of my biz, I'd appreciate it if you'd shut-up in public from now on, especially about anything boner related.  Try booking an appointment with a marriage counselor next time.  Like, your daughter is going to read about this one day... GROSS.

HOT

Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson hook up in the new movie Water For Elephants, but hardcore Twilight fans don't have to worry about her trying to steal him away from Kristen Stewart in real life... because Reese is not turned on by him at all.

The actress tells In Touch about filming their love scenes, "Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing. I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding!"



She adds, "I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy."



Robert is like, "Bitch, you weren't so great yourself. Even the elephant had better breath."







They look super cute together though.  Reese is a liar, she loved his mucus all over her!  I bet she kept his kleenex.

Which kiss is more awkward?

Here's Charlie Sheen planting one on Jimmy Kimmel during a surprise appearance on the talk-show last night...

And Liv Tyler and her father Steven Tyler channeling their inner Angelina Jolie/James Haven on the red carpet of her new movie's premiere...

It's the hand on the face thing... save it for your lovah, not your father, your friend, or your brotha.

Octomom's film debut

Octomom won't do porn but she'll do this??



TMZ reports Nadya Suleman, a broke ass mother of 14 children, recently filmed a "fetish" video which features her in a black corset and leggings whipping a grown ass man dressed as a baby complete with diaper and bonnet.

Just last week this woman was on Oprah where money expert Suze Orman told her to hire an agent to make some coin... But O-Mom expressed she didn't want to do a reality show and "exploit" her children.  I'm sure this shit will embarrass them so much more though!  Was this really the better option?  Really?

Charlie Sheen has an orgy

Charlie Sheen banged 3 porn stars at once this weekend, what did you do?

TMZ reports the actor was in Vegas for the porn convention and somehow managed to convince three classy broads to join him in a 4-way.  Was it at least on tape?  Or do porn actresses actually have orgies for other reasons other than business?



Apparently the Two And A Half Men producers are extremely worried about Charlie though and want him to check into rehab.  He's due on set tomorrow morning but he's coming off a bender so there's a good chance he's gonna:

• fuck up his lines


• barf


• still be drunk

Such a loser.

Dating/ engaged/ married

Kelly Osbourne, 26, is moving on from her younger boyfriend, 21-year-old Luke Worrell, by getting under someone else.  Well, sort of.  US Weekly reports the former reality star is now dating a British musician, Rob Damiani, 26, but she also tells British Cosmopolitan (via People) that she hasn't had the sex with anyone since her ex 6-months ago.  So new guy isn't hittin' it just yet I guess... make him work for it!!

Turns out Meg Ryan, 49, and John Mellencamp have been secretly dating for 7 weeks, and it was on the D/L because the singer, 59, only announced his split from his wife of 18-years on December 30th.  But RadarOnline reports the three used to hang out and were photographed having dinner two-years-ago... Husband-stealer!  Justtt kidding... I'm sure that's not what happened.  But I'm also sure Meg and John's ex-wife are NOT friends anymore.

Vivica A. Fox is the latest celeb to get engaged over the holidays...  People reports the 46-year-old actress is engaged to an Atlanta club promoter, age 27.  HAHA.  His name is Omar "Slim" White.  HAHAHA!  Apparently he's excited to start a family with her...  AHAHAHAA!!  She's so desperate...

Kellie Pickler got married to her 37-year-old boyfriend Kyle Jacobs on New Years Day.  According to People, the 24-year-old American Idol alum and her man had been dating since 2008.  I seriously hope she doesn't drop the 'pickle' from her name and become Kellie Jacobs.  If anything she should drop the 'R' in Pickler and become Kellie Pickle!!

Also married on New Years Day was Shania Twain to rebound Frédéric Thiébaud.  He was the husband of the woman the country star's first husband left her for.  Well didn't that work out nicely... tradesies!

[Image via People, who else?]

Big Brother 12 couple break up

You probably thought when Big Brother 12 ended that you'd never have to hear about the vomit-worthy couple self-nicknamed Brenchel again.  But thanks to Brendon's penis, you are about to.

In case you aren't addicted to the summer reality show that is Big Brother, let me catch you up on the showmance (reality show romance) of last season...  Rachel, a wanna-be ginge from Vegas with the voice of a hyena and an emotional swim teacher named Brendon bonded and instantly fell in lurve in the backyard hammock over their shared passion for lab coats and microscopes.  Yes, they both believed they were scientists and that made them want to slam body parts.  The moment they did that, they not only fucked each other, but their game as well.

Over the course of the season their "love" alienated other players, made them a target for eviction, got them into many verbal scraps with contestants (and each other), and eventually got them kicked out of the house.  At one point, Brendon and Rachel were on the block together and he was willing to give up $500,000 to get booted instead of her.  Obviously neither of them won, but they felt winning each others hearts was more important.  Puke, I know.



Fast forward a few months later, and they're still together.  That is until swim coach Brendon showed off his little swimmers to other women online.



According to Oh No They Didn't!, he met three different hos on Facebook and exchanged nekkid pics with them on Skype until one of them recently came forward to Rachel on Twitter.  Apparently this one girl was under the impression that the reality stars weren't together anymore, but when she found out they were actually engaged she was all, "Not for long..."  She told Rachel everything, then released Brendon's peen photos for all to see which I'm not about to post on this blog.  (If you're a perv and need to see it, I'm sure you're familiar with Google.)  What followed was a public breakup, and Brendon's weepy apology video.







Dude, you're not in the diary room anymore.  Nobody cares about your thoughts and feelings.



The funny thing is that Rachel's go-to catch phrase on Big Brother was, "Nobody comes between me and my man!"  Yeah, except for any girl who asks him to take his clothes off on webcam...

The worst PSA for safe sex I've ever seen

I have no idea what the fuck this PSA starring Bristol Palin and Mike "The Situation" from Dancing With The Stars is about... Is it for safe sex or for abstinence?



Whatever it is... Not only is the message not coming across, but it's NOT FUNNY either:







Oh I just figured it out!  It's for Sarah Palin for President in 2012.

Fiddy just wants a blowie...

Oh 50 Cent... You and your TMI tweets!



When we last left off, the rapper was talking about his sexual encounter with "a fat bitch" and now he's tweeting about his need for oral.  And he's calling his fans who don't like what they're reading 'bitches', 'ugly', and 'dickheads'.  HAAA...

Late last night Fiddy wrote, "Ok ok I really want a blow job damn what's wrong with that. just give me a little licky licky. Lol".



Followed by, "Look I'm a good person I don't ask for much. I deserve a little oral bobbing on my ball sack. I do everything better when I'm relaxed. Lol".



Then he started sticking up for the ladies needs saying, "If you a man and your over 25 and you don't eat pu**y just kill your self damn it. The world will be a better place. Lol".



And when his followers started to voice their dislike for his tweets he responded, "Look b**ch nobody ask you", and "look I can't help it if you retarded b**ch lol", and "Thanks a lot di*k head I'm still rich".  He also dissed his 'less attractive' fans who send him pictures of themselves (probably offering him BJs) tweeting, "Man some of these hoe's so ugly on here. ain't nobody gonna talk to them unless they on twitter. I be looking at they pics. my god lol".



Class act.  What will 50 tweet next?  His STD test results?  How he manscapes?  The width, length, texture, and color of his next bowel movement??

Beckham's high-class hooker

If you believe In Touch Weekly, the cover of their next issue is dedicated to David Beckham's alleged affair with a "$10,000-a-night prostitute"... (via DListed)

26-year-old Irma Nici (couldn't come up with a better hooker name?) says she's a high-class call girl who slept with the soccer star 5 times in 2007.  Although David supposedly made her 50 G's richer, Irma still only rates his sexy skills at 7.5 out of 10.  Bitch.  Prostie says he was gentle, kind and knew what he was doing but wasn't too kinky.  She also adds she once made his peen inflamed with some scented lotion.  Right, it was the lotion...



And just to get a digg in at David's wife, Victoria, Irma claims he told her he preferred Posh's body pre-boob job.  That's such an easy thing to say.



See, this is how I know she's a fucking liar.  If you're a pro hooker, you have a prostie-client confidentiality agreement.  OK?  And if you're actually making $10,000-a-night to bang strangers, selling your story to a tabloid is only going to hurt your business.  Schtupid whore.

50 Cent throws his back out doing a "fat bitch"

It's like 50 Cent and Kanye West are battling all over again... not for album sales but for the most wack tweets!  And I think Fiddy is winning...

See, Kanye's tweets can be entertaining sometimes, because the guy's problems are just not regular people's problems... for example: "Man... whatever happened to my antique fish tank?"  Like, who else says that?



But 50's tweets are to the point where someone else needed to create an "English 50 Cent" account to translate what the fuck he is saying most of the time.  But there are some things that don't need translating... only a TMI warning!



Yesterday the rapper/actor tweeted, "A so look I just finished fuckin a fat bitch for the first time I wanta tell you n****s don't knock it till you try it.it was bad," adding, "Hurt my motherfucking back though I should a never tried to pick that bitch up. Lol"  HAHAHA!  No way!!  He's not serious!!!  And if he is, I hope that "fat bitch" doesn't follow him on Twitter.  Aaaahaha.



But like Kanye says... "You basically can say anything to someone on an email or text as long as you put LOL at the end."  Truth!  And on your Twitter account too I guess?  I gotta try that... but I prefer "ha ha" to "LOL".